Impossibility

2010-06-06T21:16:00.001+08:00

CREPUSCULAR RAYS

I probably have up to 57 non-working days remaining this year. That may not seem to amount to anything significant, but perhaps I can do something useful. Then again, I doubt myself. Will things change? Even if I do make use of time, what will the me then aim to achieve, and how meaningful will these efforts be? Somehow it feels weird, that I would be looking forward to any break I have, no matter how short it is, and then the realisation that I do not know what I should do with the available time would strike me hard. I will then think to myself that I ought to come up with some sort of plan when I get back home. This would then repeat itself each time, accompanied with a sense of helplessness even though I know I am the one who can make decisions to change this situation. I certainly do not want to continue living my life like this, where uncertainty lurks at every corner.

2010-05-30T12:59:00.003+08:00

OUROBOROS

That's how it is for now. Just waiting for change to happen. Change in routine, change in environment, change in me.

On a smaller scale, I wait for each day to be over. Waiting to muster, waiting for everyone to muster, waiting for breakfast, waiting for colours and for it to end, waiting for someone or the starting of lessons, waiting for breaks and meals, waiting for my turn, waiting for rounds, waiting for rounds to end, waiting for lights out. Then I wait for Wednesday and Saturday evenings. I wait for SAF Day parade, for NDP, for the end of this course, for the next phase to end, for block leave, for public holidays, for time to pass and ORD.

I'm beginning to sympathise with anyone having a six-day work week. I'm beginning to understand more about what I dislike to do. I'm beginning to believe that our minds are very powerful - they can amplify the effects of relativity and create strong negativity every Sunday morning.

As I looked out of the window, I saw a piece of paper drifting in the air. That's random. A thought of letting go of many many pieces of irregularly cut paper somewhere vast with strong winds struck me.

2010-05-24T18:28:00.005+08:00

TITLED

Life doesn't feel that purposeful nowadays. I don't actually do anything tangible anymore. Just spending whatever little time out of base that I have in a very wasteful manner. This is the life of a military serviceman. Oh, and I just turned 19 around 4 hours ago. Or is it 16 hours... Tomorrow the real specialisation course begins, en route to becoming a gunner, or what they now term a weapon systems specialist or operator if I am not mistaken, in the Navy at least, where you so called specialise but will not be of a specialist rank, anyway still a highly despised vocation by many, including me of course, and I realise my finger touches the [,] key rather frequently, just like this, yep,,,

2010-05-16T17:52:00.005+08:00

QUARTERDECK

I have a fault, one not much different from many others: I have many things I want to do, but I rarely succeed in even attempting to. I will need to change that attitude.

2010-03-07T11:17:00.003+08:00

FINAL SORTIE

We are not dealers of fate. We simply play the hand we are dealt the best we can. If we can do that, that's enough.

2009-12-06T11:32:00.009+08:00

DYSFUNCTIONAL

The foundations of Mathematics that we all know of lie on a logical, universally accepted system of substitution, representation and proportion. Have you ever pondered upon a question like this: What if we do not count up to ten? What if we had 8 fingers, 8 toes, and decided upon another way of counting. It is possible, most definitely, though perhaps not as convenient, and is nearly not possible for a person who had lived with our system of Mathematics to switch to another which would seem illogical to him, even if all other principles of dealing with numbers still apply to this strange system. By robbing digits of their meanings, and perhaps imposing new rules to the way numbers are dealt with, one can develop a numerical system that no one else would understand, in most cases that is. If you are wondering, yes, I tried that out. I was constantly thinking about pointless stuff, and this particular thought etched deeply into my mind. My version is incomplete though – I have no way of handling such a system when numbers get huge.

Here, for the purpose of mind fuc*: (the 8 lines shown below are entirely based off my numerical system)
2 + 9 = 3
5 + 22 = 79
1 × 3 = 12
05 ÷ 12 = 0
49 × 3 = 372
972 − 19 = 00
4^9 = 11
8 + 95 = 53 + 8 + 93

More mind fuc* - a conversion from 0.2 in real numbers to its value in my system of calculation:
Re(0.2) = Jr(7.2143214321432143...)

I am dealing with positive whole numbers here. ~~Fractions and decimals will be out of my capability.~~ (edit: found a way to deal with decimals, though the method is tedious and gay; fractions are plain tedious to simplify and convert and all) By the way, the symbols retain their significance. I didn't for instance, make plus multiply and equals to be equals then negative of what comes after. I wonder if anyone can come up with a workable version of my system, including non-whole numbers. Bonus if it can be extended to include things such as algebra and complex numbers. I am ready to hail anyone who can calculate with such a twisted system mentally, without reference to whatever worked and written down or whatever else. Hey, who knows but maybe the synesthetic or savants can do it!

You would probably not be able to comprehend most of the above. Anyway, cryptology is fascinating. I am but an amateur who might not even be able to solve information that I myself encoded, and does not work with sophisticated technology that allows instant encoding and decoding, but I am pretty confident in making something logical into a heap of rubbish, literally. Though yeah, there doesn’t seem to be any application for me, other than perhaps enjoyment. I can endlessly code a small piece of information perceived in alphabets and numbers into something huge.

Let’s take the letter A.
A can represent α.
α is then alpha.
Mess up the meaning of alphabets, and we get nycun.
Assign each alphabet a value, 14-25-03-21-14.
Spell that out, fourteen twentyfive three twentyone fourteen.
The previous steps can be applied again like an algorithm, though I would rather not.
001010111010100100011001100100001000110110011101100010001
101100111100000101010001010100100110010010010001011101001
100111100010010000100100111011000100011011001111000011100
1101001000010101110101001000110011001000010001101

That represents one alphabet. Imagine a coding program that converts confidential information into that. Not very impressive still, as recurring patterns are inevitable. I do have many other tricks, but which magician reveals his greatest tricks?

2009-12-03T19:22:00.001+08:00

*dance in joy*

2009-11-21T23:57:00.005+08:00

A NIGHT FULL OF CRIES

Remaining time: 3 days and 17 hours.

Hearts filled with lies.

2009-09-27T13:05:00.004+08:00

BLABLABLAH~

2009-07-19T08:32:00.006+08:00

SOUFFRANCE

Regarding the inconsistency and fluctuating anomalies of the ever-reliable measure of my academic performance... I'd rather cast a spell of inhibition on my fingers and skip the otherwise excessively verbose and ludicrously lengthy lines of recursive pontification.

General Paper, a cornucopia of inane ideals. Precisely my raison d'~~être~~[pretentious but non-existent grasp of the English language]. Being the unnecessarily analytical (maybe just critical) me, where the rationality and testament of my self-inquisition is another matter, I'm utmost adamant in thinking that the measly points allocated to the cohesion of my language is indeed a repercussion of detaching myself from this routine. Incidentally, I figured that disciplining myself to widen my range of vocabulary may prove to be yielding in the long run. Although it may appear that, to some who find much difficulty in reading my seemingly asymptotical sentences, I fail in the category of 'sentence structuring'. I'd have to sincerely thank my marker though, for not suspecting the authencity of the examples I made up to illustrate those [out-of-]points. Recalling what I saw of a futuristic conceptual design of an automobile, that would apparently operate with tiny air pollutants as fuel and having blue laser rings for its wheels, I penned down a vague alteration of the concept as one showcased in a Japanese car companies roadshow. How jarringly fake. Holds some truth though, in that the design is owned by a Japanese car manufacturing company. Who knows, maybe after an elaborate series of simplification and a few decades, we would see a materialised version? In any case, this H1 subject spanning less than 2 years, is evidently more formidable in its antagonistic qualities than I assumed. Despite its infinitesimal importance to me, the absurdity of it all can be compared to a micro black hole: physically unachievable singularity of inordinate mass, an invincible gravitational field capable of bending space-time just as how GP defies proportionality. It is a dystopian harbringer of demise. No escape once within its event horizon. Our own "choice", huh? Nothing more than a carefully crafted rhetoric; a hypocryptic insinuation, in accordance to my cynical surmise.

Let's see: mark last week's comprehension, 5 essay outlines, another new comprehension, AQ included, mark that new comprehension, a new essay, 1 due tomorrow morning and Tuesday morning for the rest. Wonderfully fascinating. Approximately the same amount every week, you do the maths. And I honestly believed in relativity... It's driving me melancholic.
Other subjects excluding coursework: a few Maths and Physics tutorial questions, redo SOVA JCT, at present. (I do Chemistry tutorials when my teacher's slow)

Notice the density of superfluous adjectives is subtly undergoing a gradual diminution? Or maybe I'm wrong. It's needlessly parasitic on my processing power after all, since I don't frequently type such garrulously saturated texts (which in fact doesn't amount to much content).

Hardly any positive events these days - the usual indifferent display of attitude; witnessing countless apotheosis of the ordinary etc. Life's all-rounded-ly lachrymatory. I have to abide by the bizarre laws of higher authority. I would gladly regard a sudden debilitation of my immune system as a fortuitous encounter. I can temporarily circumvent some nigh-redundant rehash of knowledge. Just as how there is always an exception to everything (e.g. Aufbau Building Principle), my previous statement does not apply to Chemistry and Maths.

Somewhere deep within the eternal abyss, my apathetic heart yearned to be a more normal, carefree student. That feeling is probably inconceivable to many, but normality is presumably best for my physical and psychological well-being. Such is the irony which I shall not bother to relate and elaborate in all futility. The state of entropy I'm in is so full of contradictions and an exponentially compounding pile of dead knots that it can be easily dismissed as a great big joke altogether, if only this is one of those narratives. Unfortunately, my premonitions, that initially started as déjà vu sensations, amplified into this cursed reality of widespread disaster, comprising an unavoidable nightmare in one way or the other.

My single-dimensional hippocampus - I've been unknowingly using an incorrect term for caffeine, when it should be '1,3,7-trimethylxanthine'. Hold one, I got '-zanthine'(wrong) from the Internet, spelt it as '-zantihine', thought it was '-zantihide', and found out it is '-xanthine'. The manifestation of the Doppler effect in terms of nerve impulses.

... Lost the motivation to go on.

2009-07-11T18:32:00.011+08:00

LIESEGANG FAVORIT

What's the title supposed to mean? They are words (duh), somewhere in school. How good are your powers of observation and attention to mundane details? Well, not that it matters. Google the first word and you'll know what it is.

Woah, it's been a month. And one day, to be more precise for no apparent reason. Now I am unsure of how exactly should I organise this post of random happenings.

I was right about my prediction a month ago, by the way. I started revision only three days before my first paper, which was on a Tuesday instead of a Monday. With that much preparation and that little motivation to study, I guess I deserve the scores I got. Well, I was more dismayed about the possibility of all this repeating in the Prelims. That would most likely happen, yeah. Unless some self-proclaimed mighty spirit appear before me and grant me the ability to alter space-time or something. Ha-ha-ha.

What have I been doing during the b - r - e - a - k. Working on development ideas, crazily typing NYAA reports like a depressed office worker (5 reports, 28900 words, 143 pages, 680 MB), going for a few sessions of library duty, worrying in futility, and that about 1,3,7-trimethylzantihide, among other forgotten fragments of what everyone called 'part of life'.

There isn't much to tell, really. I wouldn't want to bring up anything regarding coursework either, for various reasons. I can't recall anything of interest. Such is life. I hate Бρ.

2009-06-10T20:45:00.005+08:00

EPIPHANY LASREVER

To say that I'm at a loss would be an understatement.

I don't drink alcohol. I drown my sorrows with coffee.

Ah, this unbearable life... A blessed and cursed one.

How weak. I dozed off on my chair and was awoken abruptly, by choking on my own saliva. Subsequently, painful violent coughs followed. Thankfully, humans have a complex enough body system to prevent me from dying. I need something to keep me awake like a non-existent cyborg. There was once I slept on the toilet bowl. Nothing seemed unusual when I awoke, until I stood up. The sudden rush of bloodflow away from my brain made me enter a near-faint mode, and I only managed to stand (surprisingly) by slamming my back really hard onto the wall. I lost my vision and hearing, for about somewhere between half and a full minute. My internal clock's all screwed up too. I can fall asleep so easily, yet I cannot sleep if I consciously chose to, not if my pillow's raised (to reduce blood in the brain).

How foolish. Talking about my JCT comeback. As if that would happen. I'd be thankful if I have 5 days for studying, seriously. Since I just thought that, reality will surely reduce it to maybe, 3 or 2 days. Ah, the hell. Even if it miraculously goes as planned, it's still a fluke.

Damn.

2009-06-06T06:14:00.008+08:00

MESSENGER OF HADES

This is the second time I watched the anime movie '5 Centimeters Per Second: a chain of short stories about their distance'. I realised many aspects of this film I did not see. I'm guilty to say that I watched only because of the background art the previous time. I couldn't understand more than half of what the film meant. Now I do have a much clearer idea. Although it's not something everyone would enjoy, I must admit, it's an awesome work of art. The two things obvious to most people are the animation quality (i.e. visual appeal) and the accompaniment in terms of music. The only I can complain about is how out of place the characters looked: drawn in the usual anime style, contrasting with the amazing everything-else.

The movie, by Makoto Shinkai, is named 5 Centimeters Per Second for the speed at whic cherry blossom petals fall, petals being a metaphorical representation of humans, reminiscent of the slowness of life and how people often start together but slowly drift apart into their separate ways.

True enough, it depicted reality in a hyper-realist fashion. Nothing I've seen comes close to that kind of commitment level. The level of detail, lighting, sense of depth etc need not be elaborated upon, but what people mistook as 'draggy' is the depiction of reality itself, the video's frames. Like how the viewer is made to wait with the character, the repitition, the usually omitted actions and scenes in most other films - the most memorable one in that aspect for me is the main character taking off his watch and placing it on a surface (how rarely do you see that?). The realism extends even beyond our visual senses. You could listen to the closely and accurately captured sounds of the urban city life. There's even some deep literature incorporated in appropriate places, but due to limitations of translation, it can sound weird. Originally, it came as 3 segments, with pauses in between the release of parts, most probably to signify the passage of time and to substitute the character's memories of his past with the viewers' blurred memories of the preceeding segment.
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I think it's the first time I draw/paint something (decent) for a friend as a present. Though... the quality's kind of, suspiciously far from my ~~professional~~ academic work, hehe.

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2009-06-03T19:26:00.003+08:00

WHICH WAY IS FORWARD?

I feel that I'm a disgrace to myself, i.e. that I'm a pathetic loser.

It's suddenly become rather repulsive to think of words that best describe this situation I'm in, and how I think and feel about it. Ah, didn't I go on hiatus the period before promos? I actually did create many new posts, of which all were deleted: they were either without any words or never exceeded three sentences.

Is it really just a matter of overused cliché attributes such as self-discipline and what not? Or can it be blamed onto 'the imperfection of humans'? I believe not, solely based on my personal view which may not have been totally my own unbiased opinion, in the sense that everyone can be subconsciously affected or influenced by practically anyone and anything.

... I'm really exhausted by this life I cursed upon myself. Sorry that I'm quite a natural pessimist.

I fear that I lost touch completely. A gut feeling. Can't very much synchronise with my motivation and potential. I'm basically not doing things as I hoped I would, which I thought I knew I could. Maybe to sum it up, a futile but disastrous running-away from myself. What's with my usage of words nowadays anyway...

I'm lost. Which way should I head now?

Now my eyes are tired, extremely to add. The fatigue will subside soon though. It's either a short sleep (meaning the high-stakes triple-or-more gambling, namely 1. making me refreshed; 2. adding motivation; 3. capturing supposedly lost time by sleeping less) or gulping a fliud containing a significant amount of 1,3,7-trimethylzantihide (a choice involving lower risks, but proved to not help much at all anymore).

I should switch the topic to something less sleep-inducing.

A short film by Jordan Canning, about an ill fated professional pianist who comes down with a unique affliction: he is losing the use of his fingers.

I really wonder what the impact is on other people. Funny? Sad? Stupid since it's illogical and not well explained? I thought that it was a great film, making the viewer relate (relate doesn't mean sympathise) to reality and themselves. I felt the urge to laugh at certain parts, but, ...

Yes, before I forget, by the way, I'm gradually despising ''lol'' and that feeling is rapidly increasing, so please cooperate by reminding yourself to refrain from using that when communicating in any way with me. Obviously I won't mention that in verbal conversations so here's the best place to express my small discontent. Wait, maybe I'm wrong. I just don't like people being so all carefree and happy in front of me, perhaps. Though they aren't wrong, never. Another possibility is that I thought the ''haha'', ''hehe'', ''lol'', smileys whatever shit not feels fake. I can't explain why I intepret them this way, but they translate to apathy and more apathy. Forget it, I'm confused too.

2009-05-28T19:43:00.001+08:00

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,... 1, 2, 3,... 1, 2,...

Many thanks to my best buddies (aka Alvin, Jun Hao and Wei Jian) for the wonderful birthday gift! And Teng Wei for your card! Again, happy birthday Teng Wei! Thanks to all who sent their wishings as well, in one way or another! =D

Can you believe it? My entire family forgot about my birthday, and I was too unmotivated to remind them about it. My mother did remember eventually, on 25th May. It's probably the worst birthday I have had, one without any proper sleep at all. How moronic life is sometimes.

Monday's a long day, and I was in a good mood, initially simply because I drew on the table during GP lesson, and was satisfied with the beautifully proportionate work of vandalism. I erased it of course. A pity that I didn't bring my digital camera. It's nice to be all so carefree in choir, after such a long break. Recalling and singing from memory those songs our batch sang, caused something known as nostalgia to well up in my heart.

Yup. I drew a smiley face, that's all.

Tuesday's quite a long day, and I was in a good mood, simply because Tuesday's over. Something's wrong with me. I basically slept through 9.50 pm till 12.50 am, and then from 1.30 am to 3.40 am. I had to study for Maths and Chemistry tests, and I fell asleep while holding on to the Chemistry notes, flipped to the FIRST page... So I didn't study Chemistry, and browsed through Maths on the bus. Yet I a could score a 14/15 for the Chemistry test, when Chemistry's supposedly my current consistent worst subject... How screwed up is that? Blood veins spread like an epidemic outbreak. Across my right eye, that is.

Wednesday and Thursday are really, too waste of time. I slept and unslept repetitively, and hence did nothing of considerable significance between Wednesday after school and before Thursday's lessons started.

Community Involvement Programme. How is library duty actually community-involved... That because it's a public space, where the community 'connects' through books? This reminds me. Personal Development Programme. I don't get it. For choir CIP this year, it seems that we're working with little kids. I don't see a hopeful coexistence between me and the children, other than through silence, perhaps. Just probably, that the only reason I have for not having considered skipping that event is so that I can cherish the limited time I spend with my friends.

Am grateful for the many opportunities given to me, again and again. This time round, it's kind of different. It's an invitation to take a special test - PAE. I was surprised and doubtful when I had a quick look at the text-filled papers too. Upon closer inspection, I got a slightly better impression of what the subject's about. Psychometric Assessment Exercise, conducted by the Civil Service College Consultants on behalf of the Public Service Commission (PSC). Targeted at high-caliber students in their final year of pre-university education, who are likely to apply for the PSC scholarship next year. I'm sure my JC sent in just the year one overall results. They tried hard to make sure that the selected students are evenly distributed too. From the list of privileged, that's what I could tell, at least. Since, if they picked the top 10% of the whole cohort, the IP and 'scholar' classes are bound to dominate. What do they mean by ''likely to apply for PSC''? Some made-up assumption I guess. The test results will be used when you apply for the PSC scholarships. The results may also be used in relation to your scholarship applications to other ministries or statutory boards which require similar information of their applicants. That, is just clever word play to get the students' attention, whose minds are highly portfolio and scholarship oriented. Can't say that it's the equivalent of success-oriented though, as I believe that ''success'' is very subjective. Me, service in the civil / public sector? Nah, no where near plausible. They actually contacted me because I wrote 'N' in the space where many put a 'Y'. Thanks for the welfare, but I'd rather that be put aside.

The JCT timetable isn't bad. 25th June (Thu) SOVA; 30th June (Tue) GP; Wednesday Chemistry; Thursday Physics; Friday Mathematics. Something that really amused me is this: Biology H1 (1) CR520. Candidature: 1. Poor lonely candidate.

Wee! Week 11 only has 1 real day (not counting those days I'll be in college for coursework): Wednesday.

I want to study for JCTs! Hopefully I will. I want to score well above my expecatations and be happy with myself. I want to complete most of my coursework by end of holidays! May it really happen. I want to find satisfaction in it and be proud of myself. I'm so repetitive, and I'm starting to find this post extremely irritating to the reader (I 'read' as I type). It's so not my usual style of presentation. I think it's not just me who's feeling that way.

My room is rather messy and cramped right now. Okay, that's obviously an understatement. On my desk I have my not-yet-filed academic papers untidyly stacked up according to subjects, that hopelessly malfunctioning dust-collecting laptop, the usual stationery, a piece of black and white catridge paper, a half-complete birthday card, and a sweet wrapper... I shall dispose of that wrapper away now... Done. Let's say my study desk is desk W. There are 3 other tables/desks in my room - X, Y and Z. On X, I have 3 plastic hardcover folders of coursework related stuffs, 2 folders used as oil paint palettes, half a folder (the other half's in school, covered with rust) for use as a brine container, a box of Faber Castell coloured pencils, 2 large white-bristle brushes for enamel paint experimentation, a tiny cardboard box holding my 10 out of 11 best brushes and a satay stick, 2 other empty folders, my special pencil case which holds pencils ranging from 3B to 8B and 2 charcoal pencils, a haphazard standard palette made with a plate (for eating) and some Ziploc food cling wrap, a rag, Chinese ink, linseed oil, several containers for holding water, 3 bottles of copper (II) sulphate solution (one for plating my iron plate), 2 bottles of potassium iodide solution, 2 bottles of turpentine, my jar of rust-water suspension, a small cutesy rubbish bin, my copper-plating experiment, and lastly, 2 paper plates with rust-stained cardboard pieces taped on them. Discarded below table X, are a box containing to-be-rusted iron objects, a plastic bag of tree bark and palm tree husk, near-gone black spraypaint, white acrylic paint, 4 cans of enamel paint, a partially depleted Jacob's Cream Crackers 'tin can' (depleted in the sense that about half of the can is cut and used), the plastic-coated paper bag with Breaking Dawn and a random flyer stuffed into me near Bedok MRT station, my sling bag and my school bag. On desk Y, I have a box of art materials contaminated by my mother who 'helps' me to organise my things, a box containing dry rusty nails, screws etc, a box with random useless plastics, a folder as acrlyic paint palette (probably solidified and stretchable by now), 2 ice-cream containers and a filter funnel (not made of glass), a box containing some metals including a retort stand clamp, a box containing a variety of circuit boards I collected, a box of metals and some glassware, a box of copper wires I pulled out of their rubber insulation, my camera tripod, a box of can derived from food products, a plastic bag of tools to deal with metals, a plastic bag of rusty nails and iron wires, and my Promos painting on a plywood board. How scary that I have soooo many things. On table Z... Some more academic papers stacked also by subjects, useless papers including brochures, booklets, letters etc, my 2 more rusted food cans, a stack of art materials consisting of catridge papers, drawing blocks, sketching paper, cardboard, canvas and The Miscellaneous, toasted paper, sandpaper, The Magic of M.C. Escher, a folder of coursework stuffs, a few GP books, my digital camera, the cable to link up the computer, past choir scores, black choir file, Chemistry file, a water bottle, a small basket of vitamins, pills, tablets and the styrofoam board on which I taped my wet paintings and a rust-covered iron plate onto. Don't worry, that's not all. My dad's huge bags of stuffs take up most of what was once the floor. There's this space-consuming desktop and a wardrobe too. At least the canvas can still lie outside. Perhaps I'll restructure this room sometime soon, collaborating with the living room. Then that temporary work studio (making use of my relatively spacious living room) I had would be back. I may really have mild claustrophobia.

My shirt now smell of perspiration, a result of the careless me lying motionless in a draught-free room for 4 hours.

I came across a forum thread where members discussed about accepted art portfolios. I must say, I'm quite amazed. That such sub-standard works can sometimes get them more than one scholarship in reputable art-based universities. It's sad to see that such people actually stand much better chances getting into the art field than people here like me.

H1N1 virus. My teacher commented that it may be possible for the SARS period to repeat itself: schools closed and 'A' Levels delayed, given certain circumstances. Hmm. That equates to more time for coursework...

For some reason a large tree around my residential area was uprooted entirely, not just chopped down. What bothers me is how such a huge tree can be removed, along with the deep and strong roots, overnight. I didn't even hear any loud noises whilst in my sleep-wake loop. Supernatural events? I doubt so.

Argh... My home is the best and the worst place for me to work. Damn, I lost sight of May, and here comes June. I started typing this post on Monday, wow. That's why the writing and subject matter vary so much. Also self-explanatory why this is extra long. Back to in-depth panic planning with calculations. Backup plans too. Planning for preparatory work, you ask? Come on, it's end-May already. How can anyone still 'let the doing do the thinking'? I thought at this stage, it only sums up to running blindfolded in a labyrinth. Of course, it's bad if it becomes too obvious and all. So I just have to plan even more, to make it convincing that I didn't plan it all out. Ya know, 以毒攻毒. Something like that, I guess.

2009-05-24T09:02:00.004+08:00

UNDERLINED

Happy birthday Felix! =D

This is intriguing. Try it. It should take at least 3 minutes and some jotting down on paper. Apparently, they call it a logic puzzle.

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors in a row. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage. Other facts:
1. The British lives in the red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the immediate left of the white house.
5. The green house's owner drinks coffee.
6. The owner who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The owner living in the center house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The owner who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The owner who keeps the horse lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill.
12. The owner who smokes Bluemasters drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The owner who smokes Blends lives next to the one who drinks water.
The question is: WHO OWNS THE FISH?

A certain respected man claimed that 98% of the world could not solve it. I'm proud to be part of the 2% if that were true.

Through an escalating series of torture, a possessed sock puppet takes embodiment of fear, chaos, and willful self-destruction.

2009-05-23T16:31:00.007+08:00

Reflections X topped box office last night! The concert hall was so densely packed with people. TJChoir definitely delivered a great performance up there. Hairspray is award-winning in its ability to trigger waves of laughter from the crowd. The only thing I can possibly complain about is that I should have chosen a seat on the right instead. With the conclusion of the annual concert, everyone will be on par with each other in terms of the time for studies. Or so it seems?

Jun Hao was dripping with his unbelievable perspiration. I see why the concert hall's stage is in such a state (wood can't withstand moisture XD). A pity that I didn't get to talk to Jun Hao and Wei Jian as they were busy. Teng Wei was wandering about too, and then he vanished. Should have gone home straight away. Waste my time, take photos with other people then never take with me and Alvin. Nah, I'm just stating it jokingly.

Wednesday's contact time was so at-your-face useless... That teacher spouted some dubious sentences in futile attempt to close the gap between the psychologist's concluding speech and the bell signifying the end of the period. What the ''... should also distress...'' was she talking about? I mean, there's only 'distress', 'destress' (emphasize less), and 'eustress'. No 'de-stress'... So kind for the specialist in psychology who was standing just next to her to ignore that statement. Oh well, maybe it will find its way into future editions of dictionaries. Why do I care that much anyway.

The canvasses are ready. Nobody would have guessed how much they cost - S$54O.O0 meaning S$18O.O0 each... That's probably three times that of a pre-made canvas of a similar size. They screwed up the thickness of the frames too, one inch thick in the wrong direction, giving them extra weight with no added advantage. Somehow the extra 20.0 cm in height vastly raised its capacity to intimidate. When I dragged my UOB painting out to compare the difference in dimensions, what I discovered really accentuated my frustration. Lizard shit. Damn the wall-tigers. Raising the canvas up is of no problem, but it's a big feat carrying one home. My right arm was numb by the time I got home, despite me using both hands and the short distance involved. Now my shoulder's aching. My wisdom tooth is (teeth are) still growing and wrecking chaos in my mouth.

I cut myself every single time when I work with those scrap metals. Someday I might just die from tetanus, though the chances are pretty low. I was wrong about my guesswork of the smell of blood. Everything resembling that smell, on coins, iron objects, rusty surfaces, blood are actually the odor released when some organic compounds on human skin volatilise due the iron acting as a catalyst for that reaction or something. Sounds freakily morbid to me, the fact that the smell comes from some people's skin lipids.

I have a sad no-life. Left with so many things to do on my birthday. Sigh. Looks like I won't be doing much for Art this weekend either. Let's see what non-coursework tasks I have:
- Physics JCT 2008
- GP Paper 2 MCT 2004
- SOVA 30 mark essay question
- SOVA 3-part 30 mark question
- Maths Hypothesis Testing tutorial
- GP weekly essay outlines
- Study for Maths Statistics (all) test
- Study for Chemistry Chemical Energetics test
That is assuming that our tutors ain't gonna continue with non-JCT topics for tutorials.

I have a bottle of potassium iodide and another bottle of aqueous copper (II) sulphate on my table. That bottle of turpentine too. There's the bottle of hydrated iron (III) oxide suspended in hydrogen oxide too. Why do I have these exotic chemicals and substances you may ask? The former two, I have no idea. The latter, as a solvent for oil painting (like water is to poster colours), and for my coursework theme respectively. I possess a clamp too. The one you use together with a retort stand. I remembered seeing a container of nitric acid in the Art Room. There's solid sodium hydroxide and solid sodium carbonate there too.

Does anybody know where I can get my hands on iron fillings? Or know how I can cut iron sheets cleanly and straight? I have one that slices through most metal sheets, but always gives jagged curved edges. Anyone have things like spoilt electrical appliances; non-greasy food cans e.g. those biscuit tin cans, canned food, milo cans, no need aluminium drink cans though; cables and wires; iron and steel scrap parts, please do me a favour and pass them to me XO

I am so refraining from typing unhappy emotional content. At least I will continue to do so until the upcoming supposedly joyous day is over.

Switching topic (not that I actually care to give notice prior to drastically changing the subject), I may just turn up for choir ~~practices~~ next week. If I do, then I'm wrong about ''officially leaving choir''.

Sometimes there is something some do not see.

2009-05-20T06:08:00.002+08:00

LUCIDA GRANDE

I lack self-discipline. Slept more than a bit too much just now. I ought to learn to keep my urges to lie on the bed under control. Perhaps I'll also change my office chair to a cold hard stool, so that I'll be shocked wide awake if I ever doze off while sitting down.

School-based Practical Assessments for Sciences are now of memories! I discovered that I'm pretty accurate at memorisation, if I try, that is. Due to my inability to stay awake the day before Physics Skill A, I only had a little more than an hour to memorise that full 3-page font 12 Times New Roman utterance, but I could reproduce every detail so accurately. So, the point is, maybe I can do the same for GP, to recall facts and statistical figures. And to salvage my currently beyond pathetic knowledge about those 6 dictionaries of SOVA material.

Oh, and it seems the canvas manufacturers sent the frames without the stretched canvas, so they'll arrive later than expected.

Sigh, it's almost Wednesday school time. Wednesdays waste so much time, and I remember that we had to type out our SGC achievement(s) today too. I'm crossing my fingers praying that Contact Time wouldn't be useless career talks. I mean, career talks aren't useless, but since they want a broad range, might as well go one step further - include categories that cover the minority groups' interests. It's rather awkward to call the propaganda speeches career talks too. For most of them, the objective seem to only lie in promoting their own scholarships, hence contradicting the word 'career'. At least I felt this way.

Someone commented that those passing by the Art Room always look at us like looking through a fish tank. Maybe an aquarium, or an animal enclosure. And I'd thought that they really sound like animals (recall 9th May, On Track), so who exactly are the animals and who are the human beings?

2009-05-19T01:42:00.004+08:00

DALET.UNAONE.SAMECH.MEM.ALEF.LAMED

Approximated to be one divided by a dozen's magnitude of this massive sphere of mass' revolution period, suspended of consciousness, spirited away into an alternate dimension resembling my intepretation of utopia, and back into the brutal algorithmic chaos of what is commonly accepted as every individual's fate of existence. 1,3,7-trimethyzantihide is roaming about in this lifeless form, catalysing the foveal vision maxima. It aided in the penetration of the mental threshold too, from concentration to saturation. Time drifts past more nonchalently than afore. Sensory overload. Manageable and likeable though. I scorn upon my counterproductiveness in a multitude of aspects, including my inept usage of terminology and my deficient range of vocabulary, most conveniently shown here.

I will irresponsibly and selfishly condemn upon my diet as the root cause of my physical inferiority. NAPFA - Bronze, due to my ludicrously unacceptable performance during pull-ups. The 2.4 km run was especially stressful on my body today, which was presumably because of the deterioration of preparation in the five items. I had thought that perhaps I could get a 10 minute timing, since my first 2 rounds were 1:40 and 3:20 almost exactly. A pity I decelerated gradually, finishing with 10:46 despite my (usual) insane surge of acceleration right before the last round. It doesn't matter much though, since I'm still unable to avoid that dreaded retest.

On a side note, I'll finally get to have an actual conversation with Alvin this coming Friday. Looking forward to regretting my decision of leaving choir, as promised. Elevated pillow really works, solves my insomnia-on-bed-and-not-while-sitting-or-standing caused by distress. Mrs Tan, my Maths tutor, said ''Then how are you going to cope? Next time still got Art projects... ...'' Not to me though. Sigh, it still applies to my peril situation either way. I'm beginning to despise GP a lot more. The expectations and demands are just, towering and considered by me to be a large obstacle. Trust me, when the past-year papers start rolling in, that's the time I'll stop trying. I never ever attempt these papers. It's consistently a decision of coursework or practise papers everytime. And when the examinations are so very approaching, it becomes Art or the combination of all other academic subjects. It seriously sucks. I'm sure other students do experience a similar type of dilemma, but at least, I'm most certain that it's never going to be anywhere near such an extreme choice of which one to give up on. The worst one has yet to come: Prelims or coursework. The actual submission for Art coursework is right smack in the middle of our Preliminary examinations. What to do? I can't say.

Don't anyone find it saddening? You see smileys and ''haha''s appear so frequently in text messaging, online chatting, leaving of comments etc, but how many actually really wore such an expression on the face or actually felt like laughing while typing the message? I didn't even include the ''lol'' filler text. Artificial and fake. Sometimes I feel cheated and/or sad and/or guilty, reminded of our banal and recursive living. However though, it's too insignificant to make a difference, just like how the idealistic minds of artists are.

Think I ought to cheer up soon and recharge my motivation, passion and momentum.

2009-05-17T20:23:00.003+08:00

ANTIPATHY

Distress is accumulating in me. After testing out my hypothesis, I came to a conclusion: it works, effectively. I thought I needed a small boost in mental stress. So the fastest way is to read through that summary post back in, I think April. I then went on browsing through the recent months' archives, and it all sank in, the reality that I still haven't had much progress even though what I just said is a mere reiteration of what I mentioned an entire month ago, 18th April. If my panicky sentence structuring is hindering your understanding: Basically one month ago I said to myself that I haven't had much progress which means I haven't made any significant contribution to my prepwork in the past, maybe 2 months or more. This is worrying. And the inescapable fact that the canvases for my final work are all ready waiting for me in college before I know what's happening, in hours' time. I need somewhere to work, not at home where I'm so easily distracted and annoyed by fixed variables of this shelter. National Library? No. Not ideal for doing Art, and so every other similar place is out of my consideration. College isn't that ideal either, not for weekends and the holidays that is coming real soon and this is upsetting me. Damn. I don't want to work at home. There's always always someone else at home. I don't get the logic behind me working best in absolute solitude either. It has just become like that over these few years. I'll go have a short sleep now and probably wake up, either full of eustress that needs to be released, or an unfavoured result of stress - helplessly pessimistic. No, from experience it's not really up to my determination and willpower. Maybe it was, but not anymore. Sigh. I'm addicted to gambling on myself, despite the outweighing number of losses. Alright, I pray now that it will be superb eustress, a continuous one. I think I'll start staying back in school from Tuesday onwards. So by the end of tomorrow, get every single thing planned out and ready to be put int action, Jasper. This sucks. Ah, and I've inaccurately approximated that to realise my goal of finishing my boards by the end of June's first week, I have to get one board done every 3 days. It's much worse if I painstakingly analyse the details, which I am totally aware won't be worth the effort. That can come, only when I do it together with my consolidation and preparing for a full-fledged rush. Wait, that must be done by tomorrow. So. Nevermind. Deep shit. I'm freaking stressed. I don't really care about whatever NAPFA tomorrow. Either I'm lucky or I'll definitely be taking the retest, if any. This sucks to the core. And to think that first week of the holidays will be packed with make-ups and stuffs. Maybe I won't even be able to revise properly for the JCTs. Damn. Here am I failing and failing again. Nah, such rubbish failures don't exactly serve as what stepping stones or pave the road to success, as some may optimistically accept failures as. It's not that I don't learn from my failures. It's just, what bullshit is this, kind of failure, not the type where trying harder next time(s) will miraculously lift the curse-like cycle of kick-back, if you actually get what I mean. Damned attitude. Why can't the best me be the consistent me instead? Don't bother, I treat this as my punching bag. Probably one of the most unorganised piece of idle writing in quite a while. I wouldn't hesitate to bet on the possibility that I won't be able to fall asleep later. Will need to drain blood from my brain, through an inclined position.

2009-05-17T09:37:00.021+08:00

B'WOW DE-MEN

Realisation hit me. If I delete the images before posting but after adding the images to the entry, only the thumbnails remain! You won't see the full image pop up when you try to click on the thumbnails. No way can any random leech steal my full-sized (though much reduced quality) images. That's nice...

NECROSIS OF MU

Great news! I am allowed to bring home my 'A' Level prepwork, sometime around 3 years later. If I were to need it for portfolio before then, just return it after and then come back for it when TJC's rights to my boards expire. Verified by Mr Heng's golden words. Reason is simple: they only need the boards as sample referencing for our future juniors.

Splatters and splutters on my table. Chinese ink. An aftermath of a failed attempt at abstraction. Oh, right, on the floor too. And my laptop. Not really a failure, but no inspiration has arrived to direct my mind on how to deal with these far-fetched ink experiments. Up till now I can't link them up with my theme or subject matter at all. Maybe they are like blood splatters, but black to carry across the message that it's the 'blood' of machines that is spilled and not organic living creatures. Bleh. Not like I'll actually be 'brilliant' enough to transpose this ~~crap~~ randomness to my final work.

First attempt.

Trying to Jackson Pollock the ink.

Dripping and dipping.

Can those ink trials relate to things like rust and metal?

Let's delve further into what seems to be my nihility. Went to TJCO concert yesterday night. It's great and worth the money. It lasted from 7.40 pm till 10.10 pm, afterall. Much more 'substance' and quality than the second most recent concert I attended...

Terror is striking me (not 'struck me')! What a farcical list, and even more ludicrous that I realised it only then. To imagine the list doesn't include nearly anything for actual coursework and prepboard working, merely exacerbated the situation... The THREE canvases of sizes 90.0 x 140.0 cm are arriving tomorrow!!! Arrggghhhhhh... I'm determined to start on it as instanteneously as I can, and relieve those days of staying back until 8 pm everyday and coming back on Saturdays and Sundays before 8 am and staying until at least evening! And the non-school days where I'll painfully carry the gigan-monumental boards home and have every single passer-by and bus passenger stare at it for a brief moment! This time it's three, so should I maybe have two of them in school and the third at home?

Zooooom! Change topic!

I took numerous photographs of those incredibly short moments when lightning storms illuminate humongous cloud swarms which you don't actually see at night. Too bad most of them are too dim or too brief for a beautiful capture. Plus the fact that I'm armed with a Samsung camera which serves to satisfy casual amateur cam-whoring photographers and fails epically when it's not a sunny afternoon. Warning: You'll get struck by lightning if you steal my images!

The real scene was so many many times brighter and much more packed with awesome-ness!

I'm finally done with my pen detailing of that semi-apocalyptic scene. I took the photographs MYSELF! So many people thought I kopped the images from the net. Well, it makes me happy too, that my photography is considerably good / not too mundane among self-taught amateurs. Looking at the completed drawing gives me a warm satisfaction. The awesome thing about art is, you know when and how much you've improved from the previous time you used the same medium. Obviously, to me at least, this is on a whole new level of detail accuracy, WITHOUT any form of tracing (despite the thin, opaque paper I used). I have an immense abhorrence to tracing in art, seriously.

A skewed look at the drawing during WIP.

Recently I experienced sudden pain in my left eye. Probably overstraining it. The blood veins were popping out when I looked into a piece of reflective steel.

This is scary... My eye's about to bleed. No, not caused by rubbing of the eye.

Behold my vandalism (on my notes, tutorials, CR 221 desk, here)! Muahahahaha...

My cabonated pencil case left some marks on the desk... Had to clean with my carbonated eraser.

I thought the symbol for diode looks like an unhappy face.

The punk made of pi and sigma.

Remember me mentioning the boring Maths lecturer?

Yup, I copied the page on the page.

An outline of my shoe.

Coke light, anyone?

My impression of an atom materialised and frozen in time. The nucleus is too small to be shown.

The watch struck 12.10 pm before I could finish sketching it.

A mean face formed from mean and standard deviation.

Huh?

I enjoyed drawing this.

''Draw a random sample... ...'' and so I tried.

Discussing about cows in GP was quite sleep-inducing for me.

That was before I started the cows.

...

Imagine it being a flame / liquid bird looking in the North-West direction, if you take North as perpendicularly into the paper.

Not a doodle, just rewriting the question and solution in a simple cryptic way. Pity the image's too small.

Hmm.

Was in a rush to flip the page, and so the simplicity.

My favourite of all. Sketching LT1 from my perspective.

Meh.

Sigh. Back to my sources of distress.

2009-05-13T01:00:00.006+08:00

SCHMALTZ

~~Today's~~ Yesterday's a great day, despite the not so great occurrences (extreme fatigue that rendered me nearly inattentive during lecture and tutorials, being outran in every subjects' tutorials etc).

Dark and gloomy. Devoid of life. Not in actuality. Tranquility. Optimal consciousness. Subtle evening fluorescence. Chirping fowls. Resonant passage of time. *Tick. Tock. Tock. Tock. Tick. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tick. A surreal state of existence. I just stood there, surrounded by the clockwork of life. That, to me is peace.

Above was the atmosphere I have experienced upon reaching home at 6.30 pm yesterday. It's a warm feeling to experience some 'silence' once in a while. I had a nearly uninterrupted short rest consequently. Perhaps my vastly boosted morale contributed much to my apparent positive mood. Praying for the sustenance of this sudden motivation. Reverberate and resonate, intensify and amplify, till the end.

Three vertical canvases of dimensions 90.0 x 140.0 cm. Ordered and arriving next Monday. Feeling stressed? Indubitably.

It's a consolation that quite a few people have thought that my ballpoint pen drawing was done with a mechanical pencil / graphite pencils.

*I have a hypothesis: the 'tick' and 'tock' sounds made by the clock are actually all just the same sound. It is our mind that controls whether we hear a 'tick' or 'tock', if enough concentration is accumulated. I figured this is most probable since all the 'tick tock's of every clock in my house are inconsistent.

2009-05-11T10:18:00.000+08:00

INCIDENCE OF OMNITUDE

An artwork that involves even the sense of smell? Simply delicious! Another small but relevant twist in my coursework. I was dyeing my canvas black, with chinese ink that was preserved from all the way back, when I was Primary 6... Surprisingly, it has not expired. The strong ink stench is still present. Then, the imaginary light bulb above my head emitted incoherent light in random directions. Mechanical... Greasy, dirty petroleum covered gears... Industrial oil smell... Ink and shoe polish, both black... My speciality lies in details... Viewer come up close to examine the details, detect the smell... By the way, rust doesn't have that strong a smell at all. The bloody odor we associate with rust actually comes from iron, but when the metal is strongly bonded together, you don't sense the bloody fragrance. Tiny specks of iron dust. Hmm, isn't this still under realistic representation? Not just engaging our visual perception but also olfaction in this exceptional case.

Fish and birds have more complex colour vision systems than humans. Humans are trichromats, whereas birds can achieve tetrachromacy through four cone types, cones referring to those light receptors in most animals' retina. It is likely that pigeons have pentachromatic vision. When I was in my age of curiosity, one thing I pondered upon was: Are there colours that exist which we cannot see? How do animals view the world? Then, is it impossible to imagine or visualise that which we have not and cannot see, for instance colours outside of what we are looking at? Now I got my answer to the first question - Yes. Actually I already had the answer upon learning about the electromagnetic spectrum and such, but wow, there are animals with broader 'visible light' spectra than us. They can see UV 'colours'... Can't imagine that other than thinking about the possibility of pale violet sun rays which would be in our limited visual spectral sensitivity, so the answer to the third question is quite obvious - No. Wiki also said that up to around 10% of women have slight tetrachromatic vision. Wonder if these privileged (or not) see colours differently, or is it that the 'slight' is too insignificant?

Under special viewing conditions using an eye tracker, it is apparently possible to override the opponency mechanisms of the human's visual system (that there are opponent colours that do not exist and mix together) and, for a moment, get some people to perceive dyadic colors, such as reddish green and yellowish blue. I thought you'd get brown (tertiary from a primary and secondary) or yellow (if in terms of coloured light mixing) and a far-from-well-blended green, even with whatever methods like maybe getting your eyes to see different colours individually and manipulating them to be seen simultaneously, overlapped as one image. Hmm.

I learn a lot from Wikipedia, it seems. Though much of the sophisticated theories in there do not make it to my crystallised intelligience (yet another term learnt from Wiki). I don't see why touch gets such an elaborate formal substitute. See this, sight : vision; hearing : audition; smell : olfaction; taste : gustation; touch : mechanoreception / somatic sensation... I just found out how traditional I am in my mindset of human's senses. Touch can be further divided into more scientifically and logically correct senses - nociception (pain), equilibrioception (balance), thermoception (temperature differences) etc. There are also proprioception (ability to determine where a particular body part exactly is in space) and kinesthesia (sensation that the body part has moved), sense of time, and magnetoception (direction) which is minimal in humans. Electroception (electrical impulses), echolocation, pressure detection, current detection, and polarised light detection can exist in other animals. Some of the mentioned may not be universally accepted though.

I got extremely tired of planning. When I run out of ideas and inspiration, no amount of time spent brainstorming ever helps. So I googled for 'amazing facts' and found lots of interesting, unbelievable, yet pretty much useless facts. Some of them, I'm skeptical about - they don't sound very supported with actual evidence.

People who study laughter are called "gelotologists."

Over 90% of diseases are caused or complicated by stress.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Causing blood clots in your forehead as well.)

Some Ribbon worm will eat themselves if they cannot find food. This type of worm can still survive after eating up to 95% of its body weight. (Reminded me of that creature design contest where there's a 'creature that grows its own food source' theme. Wormy look too.)

Japanese research has concluded that moderate drinking can boost IQ levels. (And slowly ruin your health...)

Of married couples, 70% of men and 60% of women have cheated on their spouse. (That's scary if it were true.)

Scallops have approximately 100 eyes around the edge of its shell. (So the shells contain nerves? Or do the eyes not function?)

The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia.

Five thousandths of a millimeter is the tolerance of accuracy at the LEGO mould factories.

Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

China has more English speakers than the United States.

In 1631, two London bible printers accidentally left the word "not" out of the seventh commandment, which then read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." This legendary book is now known as the "Wicked Bible."

The smile is the most frequently used facial expression. A smile can use anywhere from a pair of 5 to 53 facial muscles. (A smile doesn't necessarily use less muscles than a frown.)

The chemical name for caffeine is 1,3,7-trimethylzantihine. (*Goes off, reiterating the term over and over...)

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. (How useful. I surely wouldn't be able to remember this word if I experience the condition.)

On average, falling asleep while driving results in 550 accidents per day in the United States.

Scatologists are experts who study feces. (aka. crap, dung, dookie, dumps, feces, excrement, etc.)

Isaac Newton used to be a member of parliament.

The dot that appears over the letter "i" is called a tittle. (.s)

Sylvia Plath was a famous poet who killed herself at age thirty-one by sticking her head into a gas oven. (Is that not dementia?)

In a lifetime, the average driver will honk 15,250 times. (How in the laws of statistical sampling are these figures obtained?)

A leech has 32 brains. (To store excess blood?)

The sloth moves so slowly that green algae grows in the grooves of their hair.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (I have heard about the thing that if someone continuously fart at an atomic bomb for n years it will explode.)

The word Spain means "the land of rabbits".

The increased electricity used by modern appliance parts is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa. (Amazing if used as a GP essay example.)

Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam. (I'll try that next time.)

Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting. (That's why they are now endangered.)

Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays. (I still don't get how it's possible...)

The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard. (No wonder so many vowels are on the top row.)

In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.

Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.

Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels. (O_O)

Every Labrador retriever dreams about bananas. (How lame.)

If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.

Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow out your eyeballs. (It has happened?!)

The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France. (Do the English and the French have something against each other?)

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off. (And even after intense strong and supposedly deadly nuclear radiation and 'drowning', they live...)

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete. (I wonder why thigh bone fractures are so common.)

There is a city called Rome on every continent. (Erm, Antarctica is also a continent right? You mean there's also a Rome, Australia?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Fish have "dandruff" caused by flaking skin, and it is impossible to filter all traces of it from drinking water. (I'm not a pure vegetarian afterall.)

"Hello Kitty" began as part of a covert propaganda campaign originally proposed by Prime Minister Tojo during World War II. (Perhaps Pokemon began as a propaganda to control all kids, which failed.)

Ingesting small doses of ink over an extended period of time will change your eye color slightly. (And who experimented on that?)

When subjected to an electric current of at least 50 volts, a cat's tail always points toward the north. (Murderers.)

As the sheer volume of Internet traffic has increased, the friction of the electrons passing around the planet has increased the overall global temperature by 0.07 degrees. (Hmm, how do they differentiate the rise in temperature due to that and other factors?)

Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine. (The poles' ice ain't all freshwater; Primary school science textbooks need to change that!)

The sound made when a duck passes gas is the precise acoustic opposite of its quack; if it does both simultaneously, there's no audible sound. (How do people find out about these things? O.0)

Rapid deforestation has decreased the friction of the surface of the Earth, causing it to spin infinitesimally faster and thereby cool the air, combating global warming. (Can I use this as counter-evidence for GP essay?)

The number of words in the Bible divided by the number of verses equals exactly 666. (Some people were bored, like me...)

If you fill a standard 750ml wine bottle with live hornets, their angry buzzing will resonate at precisely the right frequency to shatter the glass. (Drug those hornets to a short sleep first, then give the filled bottle to your foe, all wrapped up of course, and when they awaken, ...)

If you part your hair on the right side, you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian. (How is that true?!)

Humdrum reality awaits me.

2009-05-09T10:41:00.010+08:00

ON TRACK

When humans sound like animals, how do you think that will sound like? I heard it dozens, no, perhaps a thousand times already. Sit in the Art Room (especially the non-air-conditioned one) and you'll know what I mean, when loud chatter boxes pass by in a flock. Muffled sounds partially due to the barrier between the corridors and the room, partially due to the listener finding them a nuisance and trying to concentrate on his/her work. You do know that animals actually do have a considerable range of sounds they can produce, right? Our inattentive ears of a limited frequency capture range, however, instinctively filter these sounds and approximate them to be the same. What I heard, is probably how other animals hear us. The walls of the corridors should be lined with effective sound-absorbing material, so that the inconsiderate passer-by would be inclined to keep silent.

''... and lay out all your works onto prep boards for near term end class review. We need to consolidate before we break for holidays.'' I'm screwed. Eh, the June holidays are coming so soon?

I went to LT2 for Maths lecture on Wednesday. I fear the same thing happening again: the lecturer in LT1 sounds like, ... ... someone who doesn't know what is 'Hypothesis Testing'... And not to forget, the extremely irritating croaky voice. When flipping through my Hypothesis notes, I realised something. I had something doodled or drawn on every single page for the first 5 pages, and she stopped at the middle of the 5th page. That tells how bored I am. I couldn't even read to understand on my own like what I usually do when the lecturer *****. The voice distracts me from concentrating at all. So I migrated to LT2 with a friend. We were joking around that maybe LT2 would be fully packed. Of course that didn't happen. To our great shock, LT2's lecturer is our tutor. Strangely she didn't mention anything in tutorial. Funny thing, I heard a few people talking behind us about how the lecturer ****** at lecturing. I said ''They haven't seen LT1'' loudly enough for them to hear. Yup, she's much better as a lecturer in comparison.

Pretty much similar for Physics lecture on Friday. I caught up to the slow pace. He went through a paragraph or so during that time. So I was thinking, that's all he went through on Tuesday and while I was catching up just now...

On Wednesday, my classmate commented that my streak of full marks for Maths tests is over. Diaoz. I knew about the calculation error in my last question, which I didn't want to change since it was pointed out by my friend and not me before time's up. Just a bit unexpected that it only cost one mark.

Some people don't know that they are intruding someone else's privacy. He just walks in, pretend to look around for something which is actually nothing, and then sort of spy on what I'm doing on the computer. Sometimes he would suddenly appear at the door and stay at the same spot for a while and then leave me alone. Or, he would repeatedly pass by the door numerous times within a short time frame. I don't like the feeling of being watched like that. The only thing I can do is to pause whatever I am doing. After soooo looonnnnggg, despite my countless explanations, he still doesn't get it that Art doesn't end, not until my Prelims. I must say, he's quite insensitive to feelings too, at times.

What you may or may not have noticed, is SELF-CENSORSHIP, and why am I referring to the most recent GP comprehension passage...

2009-05-07T13:39:00.005+08:00

VII V

Sometimes I really find it troublesome being a vegetarian. Don't get me wrong. I'm not craving for animal flesh or anything like that. Thursdays and Fridays would be better if they end at 12.30 pm instead of 11.40 am, and maybe if such an impossible thing happens I can end at 1.20 pm on Mondays? I blame ex-The Wok for not making profit and the councillors for not being able to keep / ignoring their promise: I saw a suggestion they accepted - bring back the vegetarian stall, on the canteen announcement-TV nong nong ago.

Sigh. The tunes of the SYF pieces still ring loudly in my head, practically whenever I'm not concentrating on a task. It still remains so surreal to me. I feel guilty. Yesterday I saw Steven and he said ''See you later''. I had no time to reply. With slight guilt, I'll just take it that he was reminded about it during yesterday's practice. More updated guilt, when I wake up just now from my usual extremely early sleep and saw 3 smses sent by Ju Ho regarding publicity (just 2 technicallyas one is a duplication). Weihao's practice reminders are different though, since he sends in bulk. Today, my GP relief tutor used her example of being our temporary tutor to explain to us her belief that such brief and seemingly insignificant encounters are actually meaningful, in the sense that it's better than never having met (though there's the contradiction that she didn't even bother to ask for our names). Made me look back at my post on 19th April 2009.

The concern that has been weighing me down has finally dissolved. Clarified some matters, so it's considerably official that I'm no longer in choir.

Saw this video on youtube about an Art prodigy, Akiane Kramarik, who'll be turning 15. The distinguishing factor from her and other talents from this field is, in my opinion, the starting age. I mean, no sensible soul can expect proportionality perfection and photorealism from a child. The amazement is really, the age at which she matured in techniques. Painting with oils and acrylics proficiently on large canvases at the age of 7 is no small feat. Some were even of imagination, particularly the strikingly intense landscapes. Inspired by God, talents given by Him. Looking at the number of paintings, she must have bypassed the mundane path of normal education... A self-taught artist (seriously an artist, selling works to art collectors). Come to think of it, despite taking Art as an academic subject for 4 real years now, I'm still quite a self-taught student. Weird how my country focuses on creating an 'Art Scene' and the education's still like that, other than maybe if I went to places like NAFA, or take outside enrichment classes which probably would have been effective a decade ago. Ah, I remembered now, I took watercolour classes when I was 4, 5 or 6! So I'm not all self-taught. Not to forget, my mother's 'genes' - she took still-life graphite drawing classes a long time ago. I guess the only negative side of such genius is that she won't be looking at much more leaps, skill-wise. Perhaps she'll end up like Picasso - get tired of the 'genius' and go art revolution! What was mentioned in the interview: she once had the impression that everyone can do the same as her, but upon growing older, realised that it's a gift from God. I still believe that it's mostly the individual's willingness to put in the effort though. In my mind... How can you expect to produce good drawings if you don't make a conscious effort to focus and constantly refer back to what you are drawing? Don't tell me that person with such a neat and tidy handwriting drew this? Seems like double standards. Hardworking (in all-aspects) students can often get A1 or A2 for Visual Art in lower secondary level - there is a minimum level each person can achieve, no? Research and studies have also shown that a significant part of a person's IQ contributes in the area of Art, following Mathematics and Language.

I'm running out of content, good or bad, to blog about... Shall go back to finish my GP essay. Unbelievable loads of work to catch up on, particularly this coursework and that coursework, as well as coursework.

2009-05-06T01:36:00.010+08:00

COMMON PAST, DIFFERENT PATHS

5th of May 2009, over. The experience and feelings will most certainly stay in my memory lane for years to come. These are my heartfelt words.

It really does reflect on the extent of my maturity over this past 1 year and 2 months. How minimally short, yet so impactfully significant.

I devised something, mainly following what Sheng Chuan has done: me sending messages to myself. Nope, I'm serious, I really did. Those of you with Sony Ericsson phones should know about the 'Task' function that serves as a reminder system. I used that, to store what I would tell myself on specific dates and times. I'm not using this extensively yet, so yesterday's actually the first time I received such a from-past-to-present message. 7.00 am, vibrations, picked my phone up expecting an sms, and then reading my own words:
This is it. The end of your short choral journey. Don't ever lose focus.
- Jasper
It sure worked effectively as a reminder alright. Not the content but rather the unorthodox method, which subsequently gave me a prolonged boost of morale and left a deep impression in me for the rest of the day and beyond.

The 10 rounds we ran was refreshing. Concentrated on pacing and completing the run, no worries, no thought given about other things. Everything that came after that went smoothly too.

The mood and atmosphere were nothing but optimism and cheerfulness. Time went by so rapidly that it felt almost unreal, as if a dramatic fictitious setting. The anticipation, adrenaline rush, confidence, all passed, leaving no visible trace thereafter. Everything went neatly and according to the idealistic performance each of us had in mind. It's like a dream come true, in a sense. Whether or not we actually had fear or uncertainty in our hearts when we stepped on stage doesn't matter much. We truly enjoyed the performing. Every moment of it, absolutely focused and bringing out our best, putting words and experience into action. Nothing short of excellence. A majestic existence as one choir. When I stepped down from the stage, I knew that it was my best. Albeit a mere ten to fifteen minutes, it is still worth every bit of our utmost efforts in preparing for it. It was unexpected, when Ms Tham later commented that ''You sound good this year'', hence confirming my improvement over the past year. I felt a great sense of achievement. No longer can I complain that I had no musical background. Now I do, more than a year of choral experience.

Now I can say with confidence that the performance is a full-fledged success. If not, why then would the results have hit us so badly. Tears of sorrow would not have found their place in the eyes of many. Disappointment is a feeling that no one there could deny. I made a resolute decision to stay in choir at the beginning of the year, until SYF, and I am proud to say that I do not regret. Nothing is totally unbiasedly fair, positively or negatively, which is also why life can be viewed as beautifully fair. There is no point harping on what's outside our circle of control. Though this was said by a cynical me during a bleak period of time I was struggling through, it still applies. Nevermind, forget it, move on. Of course, no way that will be so easily forgotten, and I can tell that this memory, still, even such a depressing one, should not be wiped away from us. What we should 'forget', more refer to getting back up from the ''setback'' on our own two feet. Continuing to move forward and onward. It is painful, but would any of us rather feel no pain?

Somehow it didn't hit me that hard when the words ''Temasek Junior College, ... ... Silver.'' came. Despite me trying to figure out the reason, I still can't come up with any good explanation, other than perhaps that, the moment right before the announcement, or some would prefer to call 'the moment of truth', somehow prepared me for both the best and the worst outcomes. A cushioned impact. It came suddenly, but not that instantaneous afterall. Yes, my heart literally sank; my thoughts ran wild and flooded my mind frantically, as if a momentary time distortion. It probably really affected me when Anderson Choir yelled and screamed right behind us, the 2nd result after ours. A vivid recollection still lingers in my mind now. We stood up and left. I felt really confused. Just walked in front, hardly looking back at all. I felt that no one would lead my devastated teammates away from the cheering crowd otherwise. I knew already, that a few had started to break down from the harsh, sheer coldness of reality.

At least I held back the urge to cry, long enough. And I wasn't alone for that matter. That is probably something I may not have had been able to do. I spoke no words, for my throat and chest were beginning to hurt. I knew tears would start welling up if I opened my mouth. So I kept silent and consoled no one. Afterall, I personally hate to listen to words of encouragement and consolation at times such as that. Because they do nothing much other than provoking more tears, which is still true based on what I saw of other people. I kept telling myself at some point during Ms Lau's and Ms Tan's, and the seniors' speeches, that I must not cry. That sure is funny. I didn't even know why exactly I wanted to, since I believe that the cause is not the 'Silver'. I noticed my eyes wavered a few times during the consolation, particularly when ''there's still concert'' came up. So that's why. There's no more 'another time' to speak of for me. At the very least, I am contented that my last performance with the choir is our, as well as my, best possible one.

On the frighteningly silent bus trip back to college, I thought a lot, which induced pain in my throat and chest. I'm surprised I could actually hold back those tears and switch my mind to think about something else, entirely different, so immediately. First off, it suddenly struck me that the last words I would ever hear from Ms Tham are those I mentioned: You sound good this year. That kind of compliment on my very last day as a chorister, can you imagine how I felt? It still makes me sad now as I'm hitting the keyboard. The next and probably the final time I see her would be at the concert, as a member of the audience.

I don't want to leave choir with tear marks on my face, even though I failed to leave with a smile. It's undoubtedly kind of sad that it all just ended like that. When I was on my way back in the lift going up, I decided that I would treat it as if nothing happened when I reached home. I did it, with all that fake-smile practising during choir, though technically I didn't manage to produce a smile. I wasn't that drained of energy, but slept right after dinner anyway. I just wanted time alone, like now, when everyone else is asleep. I cried, a little and at the same time, a lot, before typing this long recording of this red letter day. I suppressed most of the moisture coming from my eyes, but obviously I cried pretty much: my nose was wet for a long time. That, I don't think is within my control. I'm here talking to myself about moving on bravely, but I won't be in the mood to resume school life and the rush of coursework so soon. I'll need to efficiently utilise the coming weekend to contemplate and catch up on my neglected work.

Walking separate paths. 5th May also marks the day I will start moving on by myself. It will be hard to maintain much social contact other than perhaps a few sms, occasional chatting online, and saying an emotionless 'hi' when walking past each other in school. Trust me, that will most certainly come true. I'm crossing my fingers, praying that our friendships will not be affected and wither away like many past examples. Ah, this post is getting more and more emotionally out of hand... If I recall, didn't it start off more positively?

On another note, thanks for that sms of encouragement, Teng Wei. The reference to the sunset was nicely thought, though we couldn't see much of it by the time we received it. Sheng Chuan's sms came as a shock. Simple and short, but strong and sophisticated. I hope I would remember to reply him and wish him luck later, in the morning.

At the end of it all, I'm really glad that I felt that sad. Even happier that I joined choir, and not just any other choir but TJChoir. There is only room for regret, of me leaving earlier. Definitive. A once in a lifetime experience, unlike any other.

2009-05-03T06:54:00.009+08:00

THE APATHEIST

The flesh of my left thumb detaching from the nail, causing my nerves and blood clotting system to run wild; the same thing happening with a fifth of all my toes when they knocked into a stationary object, colouring my nails purple unevenly, ... I wonder if it's some degenerative, debilitating, terminal, incurable disease. Maybe my eyeballs would detaaacchhh... Yucks.

Woke up one night gasping for oxygen and with a heartbeat rate of 120-150. That, is definitely abnormal. Not from a nightmare, not abruptly awoken by external agents, not containing any recent enough coffee in my body. My mum insisted that it was caused by my nearby handphone's radiation, which I am not willing to accept as the reason. That was a mere two-hour of rest: I may already be gone if my subconscious mind failed to awake me. I pray that sudden cardiac death does not befall unto thyself. I had been sleeping a lot the past week, hence ignoring most of my school work, but on average, I was more tired than before. Potential cause: sleep apnoea, missing a few breaths during sleep.

I thought I made up the term 'apatheist'. Guess someone's always faster. From incredible encyclopedia, Wikipedia: An apatheist is also someone who is not interested in accepting or denying any claims that gods exist or do not exist. In other words, an apatheist is someone who considers the question of the existence of gods as neither meaningful nor relevant to his or her life; nor to human affairs. Not exactly what I meant with the title, but it can perhaps be intepreted differently... It's not an accepted english word by the way, yet.

I had thought that my degree of eyesight went up (worsen), but it turned out that the only difference was the astigmatism. No wonder I can't feel the increased visual clarity that I expected of my new pair of spectacles. It gives an impression of a serious, no joke person, but the value and chroma of the frame colour just didn't quite match my anticipation. It would have looked better in grayscale, or at least if the colour saturation was lowered by a few notches. The thick 'limbs' are hindering my peripheral scope of vision. I jaywalked across the road without knowing a van was approaching me: I rarely turn my head that much (terribly out of focus, but visibly informative enough).

Labour Day 2009 is now part of history. Shucks. I have no clue as to what dimensions my artwork should be. Three vertical canvases of the same dimension aligned horizontally? Maybe the other way round, with three horizontally elongated canvases. Within my considered range, how about a monumental sized canvas placed between two smaller vertical canvases? As for an exhibiting space, I still don't see any other possibility than outside the Auditorium.

This reminded me. Recall John Cage the notorious composer? Another person influenced by the numerous avant-garde movements that sprang up during his time. [You can skip this paragraph if you are starting to get lost here. It's neither deep language-wise nor factually, but pretty summarised with little to no elaboration.] From what I can comprehend of his pieces, basically his intentions were very much similar to Marcel Duchamp's, among many other new media artists. Redefining music and how it can be appreciated, invoking deep contemplating in the listener; challenging the conventions of how music was composed, by using irrational procedures such as chance with a subtle hint of conscious composition; disregarding the aesthetics with his non-standard use of musical instruments; presenting his idea of what defines music most notably with his 4'33'' of ''silence'' etc. Through this, he expressed and recorded his intention for the sounds to be considered as a music piece instead of the everyday noises and sounds we hear, hence stating that even sounds are defined by their context and can be perceived differently in different environments. [I came up with this based on my understanding, not copied and pasted.] Near exact identical intention as Duchamp's. ''Many of Cage's ideas about what music could be were inspired by Marcel Duchamp''. Hmm, isn't that a tad too overboard? The only major difference I could spot is the quality of Cage's music that no two times will the music performed be the same, or no two people will hear the same set of sounds. One can still draw similarities between the two revolutionaries, but the effects are not that the same, largely due to the contrasting nature of the medium used. From my viewpoint, I can accept their ideas and intent / commentary, but no, I still can't appreciate their pieces. Note: You can see Duchamp's works by searching using words like 'fountain', 'L.H.O.O.Q', 'bicycle wheel', 'marcel', 'duchamp' etc. (Random: I sure hope to see a new media art question on my 'A' Level paper...)

Two more days to judgment. Be alert and aware. Never falter. Success can only descend upon those with the will to carry on. May it bring smiles and keep regrets far away, no matter how the outcome may be. We shall mark that significant day as a pledge to our friendship.

Something interesting I read. The Greeks created a reading and writing system called boustrophedon, where the lines ran alternately right-to-left and left-to-right. With alternating sweeps of the eyes back and forth, reading was more swift and efficient. Michelangelo (1475-1564) often painted with both hands. When one got tired, he switched to the other. British artist, Sir Edwin Henry Landseer (1802-1873) could draw with both hands simultaneously - a horse's head with one hand and a stag's head with the other. Fleming, Einstein and Tesla were all ambidextrous. Harry Kahne demonstrated his mental dexterity in 1922 by performing several mental operations simultaneously. While one hand was writing mirror language, the other hand intermingled upside down and backward letters. Left-handed and ambidextrous people have 11% larger corpus callosa (the bundle of nerve fibers joining the right and left sides of the brain) than right handed people. Studies have shown that ambidextrous people are more emotionally independent, more determined, more adaptable to new situations and more apt to handle problems without giving up. How nice to have ambidexterity.

Can you read at over 600 words per minute? How about speaking at over that speed?
.

It's been over a month since I last transferred photographs to my computer. That's really quite a break.

Blue flames are way awesome, even more so when they sweep across the ground at high speeds. Burning a layer of oil on an aluminium tray, taken at night. You believed that? Hahaha, it's actually just captured by moving my camera while taking a long exposure shot of a lit kitchen stove.

Both pictures were taken during sunrise at almost the exact same time on different mornings. Amazing how the sky is always so different.

A zoomed in quick-flash shot of the moon at dusk. Samsung cameras are rather... pathetic.

I liked this. Looks like those newspaper LQ prints. An immensely underexposed shot that is greatly editted.

Exaggerating worm's eye view...

Wordplay, a visual perspective manipulation. Just F-U-N.

2009-04-30T16:14:00.003+08:00

ERRONEOUS INTEGRAL

Persistence. Seriously, I don't see why someone who devalues hard-to-come-by opportunities actually deserve the entire multitude of it.

A scholarship preview that lasts 5 hours? Guess whoever sent that email meant it when he mentioned ''a very in-depth sharing sessions by our SPFO scholars, as well as a tour of a Police establishment so as to provide students with a better appreciation of Police operations''. Regretfully, my interests and attention span would never allow that.

Ater going for the career talk on NUS School of Engineering, I thought, that would be my secondary option. It's a greatly relatable scope, especially to product design, but more of appealing via functionality than visual innovation. Some students really do perform at their optimal best during postgraduate studies.

3 final days. Not including going for SAJChorale's concert tonight. Despite my resolute decision, a tinge of cold dispiritedness arises in me whenever I think about the days ahead. Nothing is ever without any expense.

I have not found any suitable spot to display my final work. The most probable spot would be the walls outside the Auditorium on level 2 or 3. The only problem is the works hung there...

Sometimes I wonder. How Art can be so different from Music conceptually. I once had the impression that these two areas are rather similar.

Right after the fifth, it shall be full throttle.

2009-04-26T10:24:00.004+08:00

THRESHOLD MAXIMA

I feel like letting it out, but I guess that will not happen, not yet at least. So this is how distress affects me... Losing my appetite for all three meals: always vomit air while eating bread, drinking coffee or milo; cannot finish my lunch / take much longer to finish / food tastes bad etc. There is absolutely no significantly visible progress for my coursework. 'Decadent Progression', the title of that GwH artwork. Unable to find the motivation to be ahead of the lecturer during lectures, not being able to keep up with every subject's tutorials: even for Maths, I gave up ''doing the next tutorial's questions during tutorial''.

The scolding was meant to motivate, to push us, to slap us awake, yet I can't help it but feel really moody and demoralised. I think I can understand their unspoken difficulties. Encouragement doesn't seem to help that much, hence they went back to the traditional way of doing things, which still doesn't really change much, I feel. Repeatedly asking us for theoretically correct answers, i.e. what they want to hear, may not aid the current situation anymore. This activity is now formed from scientific and psychological (which is also scientific in a way) laws, with every single detail made so definite, even absolute. Denial is meaningless. ''Sacrifices have to be made''. Sacrifice (verb): to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else; to dispose of (goods, property, etc.) regardless of profit. I personally don't think the word should be used for such situations. Even if it's said this way: ''worthy sacrifices'', it still sound like a contradiction. It reeks of the aura ''I feel... accurately reflects... to a small extent'' gives me...

I had a nightmare recently, where Wei Hao was looking at one of my partially completed drawing and giving me a spoken critic on it, questioning my sense of proportions for the most of it. Irrational, but so close to reality. Well, it's related to the things haunting me, in a way.

Anyway, these few weeks were quite bad. Inconsistency, absurdly busy, and now everything's starting to lash at me like unstoppable waves of great amplitude. GP always has something to do, Maths and Physics, unreasonable or not, are still considered rather demanding. Nothing much to add on for the other two. Life's practically driving me towards a dead end, soon pushing me off the cliff and down into infinite abyss. To ashes scattered in hell, everything.

HUMDRUM SUSTENANCE

Alright, so there is a selection test, where it's almost definite that more than just three or four will be waved goodbye, probably a harshly apologetic one.

I'm thinking of finding time to roam around the college buildings to look for a location to hang my 'A' Level final artwork, and to determine what dimensions are suitable. It is a necessary step. I want my work to be displayed noticeably, not kept away from civilisation and from Jasper's hands until it becomes an archaeological artifact and lands inside a storage room of some sort. Thursday's free period before the gates are opened, maybe, or not.

My pair of spectacles lasted me 5 years now. As expected, my vision deteriorated, mainly caused by astigmatism. I recalled a comment that I have eye strain, stress on the eye: I was asked to close my eyes for a really long period of time before testing my vision clarity, probably 10 minutes or so, which was very much longer than the guy before me.

Again, tomorrow may not be smooth sailing.

2009-04-23T23:59:00.003+08:00

EVERY END SIGNIFIES A NEW BEGINNING

So suicide isn't really an escape from reality. It's just choosing to start all over differently. Nah, not touching such a topic. This is an idle, longwinded post.

Perhaps to reminisce is part of our animal instincts. To be easily wavered, pschologically and emotionally, it probably happens to most people. I had just hinted in the previous post that I'm not looking forward to leaving choir. During Monday's practice, I had a change of heart. I swore that I want 5th of May to arrive. The following day, again, a sense of enjoyment made me go into thinking that I liked being in choir, to some extent, for several reasons, at least. I used to deeply regret listening to Jun Hao and going for the choir auditions, and it's the 2nd intake auditions to boot, meaning I'll have more to catch up on. By the way, Jun Hao adviced me to sing 'Happy Birthday' for auditions since I'm totally ignorant and was inaccurate with my notes.

Well, for the first and foremost, I once had a repelling distaste about singing. I figured why though, it's fine the way it is. I even tried convincing myself that I'm tonedeaf. Another factor, carved into my beliefs was that I can't sing and I'm purely bad at music. The only time I scored an A for the compulsory Music lessons in Primary shool and lower Secondary level was during Secondary 2. That was due to music theory, you see. Oh yea, I haven't mention that I failed the choir auditions in Anglican High right? All the year 1 males were forced to be tested for their vocals, in All Saints' Church... With no musical background / knowledge at all, it seemed lame asking me to sing in a JC choir. I remembered someone reprimanded the choir, that this is a JC choir, not a Secondary school one; there is no time to slowly go through the basics. I felt really upset listening to that lecture, and am glad it changed. I got to learn things, bit by bit, everytime that Ms Tham was there.

A short, but fulfiling experience. Ms Tham is always so inspirational, and never fails to give us the motivation to do our best. She once said that TJChoir is one of the few JC choirs that accept people with no musical background. My first ever choir practice: My senior gave me a score. I totally freaked out. I don't even know which line I was supposed to be singing, until after close observation of other people flipping their scores and some analytical judgment. The first note I sang for that song (which I don't remember what it was) was of a different octave, and I was thinking how come it sounded so wrong, absolutely embarassing. It really drained my morale, when my sectional leader asked some people to not sing (meaning those are the correct ones), and when I was constantly asked to sing louder, and occasionally still happens, even after one year. True confidence was never within me. I had always feared that the reason why Bryan kept blocking one side of his ear with his finger while singing was because I was out of tune.

This sense of longing for the past brought change. I knew I was good in art, so decided to try going for 'O' Level Art. Even after countless states of depression and nearly giving up, I continued to struggle without knowing why. It's because it's such a waste, to quit like that, or so I thought. I told myself, I would never ever take Art again. I avoided it initially, taking Economics as a contrasting subject, after some propaganda by my best friend over the phone. JAE came, and after one year, here I am complaining about stressful coursework, haha.

Nostalgia, a subtlely warm feeling, but often with a tinge of sadness. I missed the times in Primary school and Secondary school, a lot. Those shards of memories, such as fooling around at the playground, getting abrasions and cuts, aimlessly kicking the football, racing to see who ran faster, imagining myself as a game designer writing out modified games on paper etc. Primary school was the only time that I was always that satisfied with my academic results. A prelims result of 238, I was happy though the best schools I could possibly enter with that kind of score was Victoria or Xinmin. Then an unexpected leap to 255 in my PSLE brought me into Anglican High. I am thankful, that my sister studied there (I tend to follow when unsure). If not, I would never have met great people like Jun Hao, Wei Jian and Alvin.

Talking about that, I must also thank Mervyn, a friend I met in Secondary one, but a pity that we lost contact when something happened. He persuaded me to join The Boys' Brigade, subsequently influencing me to play the Yugioh card game. Funny that I met all of my closest friends through outside classrooms' scenario.

I met Jun Hao when he came into my classroom and we started playing Yugioh. It was a bad first impression, and a good second impression during the 2.4 km run, that brought us closer together. Practically amazing that we stayed as best friends throughout year one and two despite being both in different classes and CCAs. I chose to enter Triple Science with Elective History, because he's aiming for that subject combination. I say so because according to my lower Secondary results, it is almost always Literature > Geography > History; A2, A2, B4 respectively. Plus, I despised History, and still disliked it. Getting decent L1R5s, we went on to Temasek Junior College during PAE. The strongest reason for me to give up on appealing to enter VJC was that I want to be in the same JC as Jun Hao. Luckily I didn't. A friend of mine appealed with the same score as me and is now staying there for good. At least I too, contributed partially to him taking 'O' Level Art. Oh, not to forget, it's again due to him that I'm in Choir and NYAA.

The first time I saw Alvin in BB, I thought he was weird, and I never really conversed anything with him until the Annual camp. I can't recall how or when did we become so close as friends.

The first time I saw Wei Jian, I thought he was arrogant, asking people about their academic results and then sacarstically saying he only scored a somewhere-around-80% type of excellence. I guess it was only until the second half of my third year, and his second, that we became friends. We later found similar interests in footdrills and polishing, as well as countless similar viewpoints, when we did the shark-eagle noticeboard. We had footdrills sessions purely out of passion. Guess I'm largely the reason for his trials in TJChoir's auditions.

When I entered TJChoir, the last thing I had expected to happen is for me to befriend Teng Wei. I was afraid to talk to him at first, for an obvious reason. For his friends, he changed in a few ways after listening to some advice. How many can do that?

I once thought that Sheng Chuan's personality was too much of an opposite to mine. We met in OAC, both left after PAE, both took Art, and both landed in 07/08 after transferring from different classes. Now we are friends, I managed to see the similarities we share, though his maturity and contrast to my other friends still boggles my mind.

Strange huh, how I met my friends. Bad first impressions for the win! I missed the feeling of bewilderment too, when I began watching D.Gray-man and Bleach anime. I'm looking forward to polishing my boots for the upcoming SYF too, such a sense of achievement every single time.

Do you frequently ponder about how things may change in the future? Well, I would cross my fingers everytime I did, figuratively. I mean, rarely getting to meet my friends, and then probably losing temporal contact for 2 years in NS, followed by walking different paths in University education and eventually having contrasting careers. It's even more scary thinking about the 1 year age gap between me and Wei Jian. It really makes a whole lot of difference, that 1 year. I'm in JC, he's preparing for 'O' Levels; I'm preparing for 'A' Levels; I'm in NS, he's preparing for 'A' Levels; I'm in University, he's in NS etc...

It really spoilt my mood this morning, when I saw a large cardboard box under my working desk in Art Room 2. I tried shifting the obsruction, and boy! There's a serious paint leakage, and I could identify it being enamel paint from its intense smell, even with the fan on. It had better not be related in any way to choir. Mr Heng was fuming unhappy too, at this unknown irresponsible culprit. The box had an unsealed bottom, so it cannot even be shifted. Enamel paint can only be washed away with strong organic solvents like concentrated turpentine, or by brute scraping. Such a mess.

After a discussion with Mrs Neo who came back this afternoon, it as decided that I am to give the dimensions and number of canvases to Mr Heng right after Labour Day, 1st May. It's going to be a really horrible week ahead... I'm motivated, though. Both Mrs Neo and Mr Heng had said to me: ''I have no doubt in your technical competency''. Though it's used to start the must-explore-more discussions, I don't mind. I mean, how often do you actually get this kind of compliment.

I figured I need to change my spectacles soon. I know my vision deteriorated yet again. Especially of astigmatism which is getting more and more serious. The bright colour glow phenomenon too, probably due to astigmatism. Talking about that, I experienced a new side-effects of fatigue. I would suddenly feel numb in my arms and hands, finding it more difficult to balance, and perpheral vision gets a whitewash. So I hence assume that one sees white before fainting.

I'm losing it. It, being the motivation to study at my optimum. I'm dozing off in lectures even though I desperately don't wish to... I don't spend time on my work. I doodled my way through lectures and at times, even tutorials, behaving more like Sheng Chuan. Those doodling are fun though. I drew a caricature of my Chemistry techer, Mr Goh; made an unhappy street punk out of sigma and pi symbols; drew the digital time displayed on my watch; drew magnified cow pictures; sketched Ulquiorra's ressurecion expression; transforming a smiley face that my friend vandalised on my paper into an eclipse; rewrote an ionic equilibrium question and solution entirely in simple crypted language etc. Ah, the fun that comes with being ahead of the teacher. I'll take pictures of them next time.

This sounded interesting.
Prof. Brenda Brathwaite: The concept artist is often considered the holy grail of art positions.
It's very true, the bulk of the modern world's best artists in conceptual thinking and technical skills are concentrated in this part of the wide artist category. So I'm guessing it's a lot more challenging than I imagined, the road to becoming a concept artist, especially in the video game industry and world renown movie studios. I came across a Singaporean concept artist's online gallery too. It's not impossible, hah. I now just have to find out what I need to become one.

2009-04-19T11:02:00.009+08:00

PRIMAL UNCERTAINTY

There comes the cyclical ambivalence in me. At a loss, torn between a multitude of decisions lashing straight at me. I do not wish to stay in my tragic delusive state. It's as if I'm blindfolded and foolishly attempting to climb a wall of spikes. My peers are beside me. I could hear sounds that indicate their presence. Deafening footsteps that plague my mind and break my focus. Sounds of climbing a staircase, probably. It's a lone fight, but one against myself. Every centimetre brings about immense turmoil and degradation. Not knowing what exactly is on the other side of the wall and clouded by a thick fog of negativity, sometimes I would give in to temptation and lose my grip, falling back to the ground zero. At least the candle of hope remain lit, however diminished the flame may be. I cannot see the flickering light, but I shall continue to believe in myself. I had gone through so much, how far worse can things possibly get? It is certainly not a better tomorrow, but I'll just bear the pain till the end, and see the rainbow after the rain.

INCOGNITO SOLITUDE
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My blog is almost fully grayscale... Only the blue coloured words on the tagboard, the sitemeter logo and the images and videos are coloured. Even the blogger bar at the top of this weblog is grayscaled. It does kind of reflect what kind of posts are contained here. As well as my favourite colour, black.

Black is not just black, actually. More accurately, I prefer mars black than other blacks that are of a cooler tone, for instance ivory black. Not the ''Yo, cool outfit ya wearing!'' kind of cool obviously. I can't say much about other colours, since I practically work with all colours. Yes, pink included. Without pink, generally almost all white or violet colour schemes would look awful, but I'm not including non-realistic images in my judgment though. Every colour is just interconnected in a way somehow.

Strangely, unlike what you would think of an art student, albeit already at Advanced Level, I don't really understand that much about art. (What use of colours, depth, balance, central focus...) For the most of it, I believe it's purely intuition and observation that had brought me this far. Theory is formed when people who are good at such visual things attempt to make it logical and easier for the ordinary people to apply. It makes sense, but I don't like the fact of it becoming so mechanical. Tracing is bad enough. People trace using light of strong intensity for Advanced Level. Yawn, how advanced can that be? I realised something, true photorealistic artists, like all of them I've seen, can draw and paint freely, impressive. One of them can draw photographic quality faces without using much of an eraser at all, and paints directly without any pre-sketching done. He can create a photographic face out of his own imagination, and even I can't tell that it's not referenced from a real life existing person. Another can paint at such high magnitudes of size that it's quite difficult to to make any errors, yet he truely didn't. It's 100% observation powers for that one, I mean, painting an image that is magnified over twenty times, it's not possible to paint according to understanding the structure of it, it's really refering to hundreds, maybe thousands of abstract parts and making it form a photographic image in totality. he most amazing part is maintaining the same colours hundreds of times over a hundred days of painting, acrylic to boot. That really made me start improving my technical competency: painting without pre-sketching as a first step, photorealistic rendering for the second, and depict imaginative images realistically for the third. I digressed. I personally despise tracing in Art, so I'm not going to stoop to this level, not matter how complex the image I'm drawing reference from is. The only thing acceptable, to me, is tracing from my own drawings, maybe when I need to blow up the size multiple times on the canvas. Ah, whatever, I have no right to say anything if even the Art teacher allows his studets to do that (don't get me wrong, he doesn't support tracing).
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Look, I don't even know the existence of such a system until just now o.O
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I decided not to go for the 7-hour-library-sai-kang-alone too. Shall concentrate on catching up with my more than hectic life.
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Happy stuffs done, typed out. The real ordeal starts here I guess.
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Life, is as it was... Mundane, replusive, mechanical, secluded. 5th May, the last day of my short, happy yet unhappy choir life. 23rd September, the last official day of my academic Art journey, full of satisfaction and everything related to suffering, where 'worthwhile or not' is still a question mark. 24th May, however it is spent, I certainly don't want it to be my last birthday.
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The present situation really reminds me of the past year's. I found a good friend in my new class who had the most similar personality and way of thinking as me, as far as I could tell from the short time we spent together. He sorts of motivate me to give my best (to immature reader(s): I'm positive that I'm not homosexual or bisexual). When I found out that he's going to leave for Australia to proceed to University education, I felt happy for him but somewhat disppointed, following that I distanced myself from him (by not dwelling into topics other than school life) so that I would not become too close to him. I'm bad, whatever, but it's a fact that many long distance friendships just don't last, even if they do, the kind of relationship will be very different (did I mention this in my past post(s) before? I can't recall). Now it's a recursion. I don't make an effort to become good friends with my choir juniors (I'm leaving choir very much earlier than the rest of my 'peers'). I see someone undergoing something slightly similar to me, which is a bad sign. What's worse is, I don't even have the courage to speak normally with him, so no way I'm able to give him advice. Though I give an impression of an utterly negative person, I am extremely optimistic at the same time. If not why on Earth am I still here? And, I'm not insensitive to feelings, just overly cautious of others (but I didn't say that is good). I have a bad feeling these attitudes will eventually harm me or somebody in some impactful way. May this be the last time I act immature...
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This is the period of time where most people start to mature in their thinking, the period of time full of questioning, the period of time where friendships mean something more than ever before, the period of time which serves as a turning point in many ways...
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The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. It may be so, but I'd rather not shine than having to go through that much of hell just to see light. Who bothers about a star shining feebly among countless others in the night sky. Have you ever thought, that the stars you are looking at, could have already disappeared a long time ago?
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It's a good thing that only my close friends (and sometimes unknown strangers) read my posts. These are the things I wouldn't normally mention at all in conversations. Perhaps I would be ostracised should I be more frank with others about my thoughts and opinions. Edit: That previous sentence just agrees with my deduction that I'm overly cautious, now that I read it once more.

2009-04-18T16:14:00.004+08:00

NOTHING MORE THAN IDLE CHATTER

As quoted from a GP essay question.

I can't wake up by myself anymore, not if I know it's not waking up for anything like school or other compulsory activities. My scrambled up sleeping times. After some external help to pull me out of nightmare paradise, I realised I called +Infodial in my subconsciousness, and had saved an empty message that's to be sent to +Infodial... Speechless. For that same problem, I slept a lot in total, though more than half must come from unwanted sleep. I'm avoiding eating too much and too often nowadays. It makes me feel sleepy all over.

I suddenly realised that I have to go for a whole disgusting 7 hours of library duty tomorrow, alone. Still deciding what to do. 7 hours, no joke man, imagine waiting for your friend at the MRT station, and he came after 7 hours. Of course, that would never possibly happen to any poor soul. Well, if it does happen, the one who is punctual/early must be retarded, and the one who is late must be executed immediately.

It's quite a packed week, staying back until at least 7pm for 4 out of 5 school days, half a day on Saturday, and possibly almost the whole day tomorrow, which effectively leaves me no more than a few insignificant lengths of time to manipulate around with. It's a really stressful week. I know this because the time spent in school is normally devoid of much pessimism. It's when I'm at home that the feelings start welling in. Another similarly packed week ahead, it seems. Everything would be the same other than Sunday, and hopefully nothing's going to take up Wednesday.

Choir wasn't that bad for the past few days, though demanding time-wise, it's a great escapade. I can laugh during practices, isn't that good? Digressing a little, I think a strong reason why I chose to opt out of concert is in order to feel guilt. I'll be very much repeatedly reminded of what I placed as priority over choir, hence I will strive to make full use of my time. Even though it's not there yet, at least I'm making an effort to utilise whatever I have, whatever I can do within my physical and mental limits. Hopefully, it won't be unrequited efforts.

18th April, Saturday. It's past the mid-point of the fourth month already. Or-me-gh. Worried for SYF? I apologise, honestly I'm not worried for that reason, perhaps a little, but probably not at all. I'm just not the type who is noble enough to be able to think for one large group. The bad feelings: there's little to no progress every single week. I haven't really done half of what I'm supposed to have completed. Now typing these thoughts make me feel even more unsettled. I'm definitely individualistic.

I found the proper term to describe the condition where the peripheral vision becomes fuzzy and highly unclear: tunnel vision. Causes may include blood loss, extreme fear or distress, loss of blood from the brain, intense anger, oxygen overdose, as well as many others that currently will not concern me at all. Lack of nutrients comes under blood loss, probably. Lack of rest results in the same effects caused by lopsided anger, fear and distress, maybe. On a side note, blurred vision not caused by factors such as drugs, rubbing of eyes, injuries etc, is usually an indication of extreme fatigue, especially of the eyes. Blood veins would be easily visible on the eyeballs' surface, following that. At least that's what my mom told me. Relatively accurate for me.

Sigh. My body must be decaying even though I'm still alive. My current anguish and fear are not as extreme as some times. Weird thinking, who would want to feel unhappy all the time? Wait, this is not good. I already told myself that distress doesn't just magically turn into eustress like that...

2009-04-16T05:38:00.006+08:00

TASTE OF DYING

I stood in front of the mirror, looking at my teeth. Everything looked out of focus, since I didn't have my spectacles on. Something strange caught my eye. The upper row of my teeth seemed to contain gaps. Bending closer to the mirror, I was startled by what I saw. How could those things be my teeth?! Not just spaces in between, but also, and worse, the teeth were terribly deformed. It's as if each and every tooth shrunk from whatever reason, like how the skin of a dried chilli looked. My teeth had numerous indents in them, and they were dirty yellow or brown, thus formed was a layer of interwoven white lines over a layer of murky and disgusting colour. The edges of those teeth were terribly uneven too, jagged isn't exactly the right word, since jagged teeth is like a pattern, organised recurring patterns. Those weren't. Upon closer inspection, I realised that the gums holding these monstrous teeth were swollen and textured similarly to the teeth. some parts were even coloured a dark, bloody red. In disbelief, I attempted to scrape the nightmare away by intensely brushing my teeth in a horizontal oscillatory motion. When I removed the toothbrush, I feared for the worst. Half the length of the brush's bristles were caked with my blood. I panicked, continuously rinsing my mouth with water. The water slowly turned into diluted blood and it worsened, the colour darkening, losing its translucency... Blood won the war with water. It took over the tap water as soon as it entered my mouth. It was really bad, with the strong and disturbing Ferrum smell and the salty taste lingering in my mouth. The warmth of the leakage too, made me feel nauseous. I was finally saved at that point, when my body jolted my consciousness away from the imaginary world. Freaked out. What a gory macabre nightmare, all within 6 minutes of sleep. I was afraid that it will become reality when I went to the toilet to wash my face. An after thought while doing so was the imagination of my face peeling of when I washed it. You know, imagine an extremely thin and evenly spread layer of wax floating on the water. You gently place your hand parallel to the wax surface, and move your hand in a direction. The wax peels off. Imagine the skin of your face being the wax layer. Blood flows fast and free when the layer is torn off...

2009-04-15T00:27:00.004+08:00

TEXAS INSTRUMENT [RED]

I fell asleep sitting on the toilet bowl. Again. With my chest in contact with my knees. So tired indeed. I have a feeling that I'm suffering from mild sleep apnoea, since I'm starting to lose control over my consciousness even when I do sleep more than usual, when coffee was added too. I was especially distressed over Art for the past 3 to 4 days. It created some havoc in my emotional and physical states. I now pray that it will convert into eustress, as soon and as prolonged as possible. Too bad the fact is that persistent stress is almost always distress. Eustress is the type that temporarily enhances one's performance, something like that I think. According to the incredible (not credible) source of information, Wikipedia, one form of stress management is 'Artistic Expression'. Ha-ha-ha, my bitter laughters are leaking out from my mouth, with my eyelids pushing together to minimise the portion of my eyeballs that can be seen. Another de-stressor is 'Time Management'. Here smacking the keyboard is someone who still believed that it's poor management of time that accelerates the increasing distress an individual may feel. I shall apologise for making my sentences extremely long-winded and for unnecessarily beating about the bush. Not to forget describing on and on regarding one same point, just like what I'm doing now. Probably a side effect of not being able to focus. Yea, it now saps energy from my body in order for my center of gaze to adjust to the correct focal depth. Ah, I forgot to mention, I finally managed to write down in a much clearer form, my artwork's message / context / idea / theme. You know, distress and eustress is sometimes like a reversible reaction, rather they have an interlinked relation. If one side becomes too heavy and concentrated, nature will try to counteract the imbalance by changing some negative stressinto positive stress. However, for the case of stress, it's very unlikely to have more good than bad stress, so the relation obviously leans more towards the stress with di. Such a useless post. Life is terrible, horrible and vegetables(for me, literally). I shall end off by agreeing with the overwhelming majority ''I hate being a JC student''.

2009-04-12T17:20:00.006+08:00

RECOLLECTIONS

Triple posting. Me with wrong something be must there. Mmmh. After browsing through my blog archives, I decided to put down some great quotes from Jasper-ed here. I liked how Jasper-ed put things into words, you see. It's amusing, knowing I typed all of these. This will be long...

Just something random before we start...
Teng Wei: tml; choir time; dunno what we doing; hope no choreo (it's actually broken up into 4 messages =.=)
Me: hope all choreo
Alvin: haiz...i can't study in front of my comp ..damn it...
Me: solution, turn your monitor screen 180 degrees

17 Dec 2007
I want to break through my ningen limits.

30 Dec 2007
COPIED!! That's very bad. Very very bad.

10 Jan 2008
Warning: This post contains 4725 words, read at your own risk.

18 May 2008
'The World is so Ugly'. Maybe that will be the title of my UOB painting.

05 Jun 2008
Paragraph of SOMEONE: Kinda feel guilty about someone's incident, even though the someone doesn't really see the majority. So I shall leave this someone alone from now.
However, someone should really change someone's attitude. Seriously, how can someone always live in the shadows? Someone has to face life as it is and move on. If that someone actually knows my blog url and reads it, well, maybe its really time for you to change for the sake of yourself and those around you. Jiayou, must learn to be more docile, haha.

06 Jun 2008
The second of the four candles is burning out.

08 Jun 2008
G*****ing lagging computer!!! I can't see what I typed cos the text are appearing too slowly!! Can you believe it!!

10 Jun 2008
NOOOOOOOOOOO

26 Jun 2008
Congrats Jasper! You have around 2.5 cm in thickness of art notes to read, where most of the pages is around font 8 Times New Roman!
Voice from afar: This is nothing compared to what I get now...

11 Jul 2008
I guess agreement is what I really needed. It made me feel a lot better.
I'd expected a little too much, probably, and I take back what I said in my previous post about 'my hardwork paid off too'.
我真的很不甘愿。

17 Jul 2008
Since people don't appreciate it, then why leave it hanging where people will just walk past without bothering to even take a glance at it?
I feel that my home is just a place to eat my breakfast, sometimes dinner, to deposit my things, to sleep, to be sianded.

01 Nov 2008
Sadly, I developed too much hope and self-confidence of some sort, and the UOB results crushed all of it.

07 Nov 2008
Does cutting your wrists really give a euphoric feeling? I wonder...
If you are going through hell, keep going.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

19 Dec 2008
I feel disappointed. Disappointed in disappointing Mr. Heng. Disappointed in my deteriorated self. Disappointed in how I still can't be decisive in my coursework. Death becomes a lot more painful when you find out when you will die and how you will die.
My drawings, colourings and paintings look like nothing in comparison.
I don't want to end up doing this with regret. No, not like the two major works this year.

09 Jan 2009
Time never waits. It delivers all equally to the same end. I missed the time, and hence I face a dead end.
It's agonising to no longer be able to like the things you liked.
I want to break off the clock's hands, pull off the brush from the paintbrushes, break my pens, break my calculator, keep slamming the door until something happens, crush my glass bottles, and smack this laptop with my scissors so hard that I can see the internal components. I won't, though. Oh yea, perhaps I can combust my boots too.

17 Jan 2009
This is not the same as what most people face. This is tangibly something you know will happen and will not change when you do your best, at the expense of straining the body and mind. So how do I change it? I can, by not doing my best. This would lead to still, the same problems, BUT, much worse in the extent and impact. What can I say, I chose these paths afterall.

It's really difficult to pen down my thoughts and feelings. Ranting is never efficient in that aspect for me. It's hard to describe the occasional inability to suppress some bad thoughts and feelings; as well as that sadness of the state I am in right now and will be in for the next eight months.

At this rate, my name may appear in the newspapers... No, I will not commit suicide, I hate life as it is right now to the core's core atom's nucleus' centre. It's just that I feel I may die of overworking or something. It has happened before right?

03 Feb 2009
I am stressed. In a bad way. I'm so stressed that I don't care and don't know how to deal with those problems that caused all the stress. I'm stressed to the point that I never realised I'm that stressed and that I'd thought I can't feel the stress, that I needed stress to remove those hazards in my life. I'm stressed so much so that the time spent on the bus, while walking, and in school seem otherworldly, so stress-free and carefree. I'm stressed, so I'm not really thinking hard on what to type here.

Don't encourage me to persevere or to find ways to reduce what I'm experiencing.

Now I have one less problem. I don't have time managing problems anymore. There's no such thing as time for me to manage. I stopped planning what to do with the time I have. One simple reason: it never worked.

I did what I could. I sacrificed so much sleep. I messed up my sleeping times. That, if you do not understand why, is because it's better to work on stuffs like Art the moment I wake up, i.e. my start of the day, than to try doing it after I'm deadbeat from school and my damn responsibilities. I constantly inject caffeine into my body: average of 2 cups every 24 hours (you see, I can't really use the term 'day'), one when I woke up from my short sleep, another right before leaving my house.

Like, have you ever experienced such extreme tiredness that you fall asleep standing up while holding scores and singing? Well, you probably haven't. Unless it was something like immediately after a 40 km expedition on foot or a week's long orientation craziness. The feeling you get, is hard to describe. Sometimes it's just your legs giving way all of a sudden, as though the floor you are standing on just vanished. And you definitely will awake from that shock. Sometimes you will fall in front or backward, and you will feel what is free fall like, and the same thing happens.

Ever experienced falling asleep with your neck twisted on the table without your own conscious acknowledgement? Ever fell asleep while sitting on the toilet bowl and finding your legs totally numb and painful when you awoke? Ever so tired that you can miss your house bus stop 2 times due to dozing off on the bus and later walk home from where you were as you were afraid that you may miss it again? Ever fell asleep while eating and then wake up from the sound that the spoon held in your hand made when it hits the bowl / plate?

For me, it's probably just a horrendous mismatch of expectations and ability.

I really think this is it. Too much weight has been piled on my shoulders. I may not die as in contract some mental illness or some physical illness or commit suicide, but no, I am not so strong as to continue supporting these weights. Honestly, I feel that there's no one and nowhere to turn to, other than expressing my thoughts and feelings in this void space to who knows who.

My advice to anyone who bothers to listen: Lead a simple life. Choosing to suffer is stupid. Never overestmate yourself.

05 Mar 2009
It just feels like I'm no longer living this part of my life with a purpose. No more ''I'm gonna do my best for Art and score well for my 'A's'' within me. I gave up giving my all.
Hah, I'm so childish, trying to be rebellious.

Is it normal to be so selfish? I feel I totally neglected my social relationships. Such unworthy sacrifices. For what? All just for A-Levels? Theoretically correct I guess.

07 Mar 2009
You are once that capable, and you can again be as great.

08 Mar 2009
Always listening to what your teacher says may bring more harm than good, and in my case it caused some impactful deceleration.

I'm changing emotionally at an astonishing pace. At the start of the year, I only started to worry, and then I became afraid. Fear that the word 'stressed' cannot be used on me. Then I can't produce any form of efficiency, developing a strong desire to be weighed down by stress, as I once did. Soon after, all is just stress. Nothing else mattered. I panicked and couldn't think of what to do and how to help myself. Stress spread through my consciousness at an exponential rate. It went over the edge and I fell. It took a while before I got back up. Now I'm once again afraid. This time, I fear that I truly do not want to care anymore, about my responsibilities and my desire to achieve.

09 Mar 2009
I'm utterly disappointed with him and his actions. No, perhaps 'disappointing' is too weak a word to describe my dissatisfaction of him. Then again, I can't think of any other word with a greater impact in my limited range of vocabulary and memory. He should be ashamed of himself. It's not like he's the only miserable guy suffering alone in this world at this point of time. Think about it. He is actually quite a fortunate person. He got what others wanted and failed to obtain, but did not treasure those valuable chances. I don't see other people who are like him doing what he did either. What he is, or at least what he claims to be going through, I'm certain couldn't be any more than what I did and am going through. I'd be willing to bet that what he said is not the primary cause of his problem, but something else, more with himself than others. So just stop whining. I know he will see this, and will be aware that he is the one I am mentioning. Don't blame me, I did this because I at the very least cared about him. If he were to disagree with me, he should just reflect on his past actions and look at where he is right now. Cowardice.

That is regret. Regret, giving up on many things. Things people had tried so hard to get and where many failed to, where I just rejected every opportunity that came my way.

I can never tell whether I made the right choices. Perhaps it's already a mistake for someone like me to go in the direction of art as my priority.

10 Mar 2009
I want to be really alone when I need to. So stop giving me trouble.
Everything feels fake, artificial, as if it were all an act.

11 Mar 2009
I'm really tired, physically, mentally and in-every-way-ly.
Haha, I'll just murder myself if I don't get my A.

13 Mar 2009
TOHELLROW'S THE DAY

14 Mar 2009
What a joke. I was foolish to even have thought of I would be a lot more productive, given the ridiculous amount expected of me within another less than two days' time. I wouldn't have thought that it can backfire on me.

Damn it all. Why is it so difficult for me to even do that which I'm supposed to enjoy?

So effectively I screwed up for everything in Art, for academics pacing, for choir, for my health, for everything I stood for. I was once a highly self-disciplined person. I can become stressed, but never adopted such a violently pessimistic attitude. Why is this period of my life so distorted, twisted, and hideous.

19 Mar 2009
I was even glad I went for choir, because it served as a temporal escape route from the Art rush.

It was hell. The temptation of just closing my eyes. The holding back of the devil in me that had wanted to tear everything up. Glad I did not do that. It's basically something that cannot be expressed properly in words.

I would experience the in between of losing and retaining consciousness. Hard to describe, it's like you think you are probably asleep. Yes, the fact that I think whether I'm asleep or not when I feel that I'm asleep tells me some part of my brain is wide awake.

I slept from 4.58am to 5.30am. Then I mentally gave up the race.

My eyesight has screwed up. I boarded 65 thinking it was 60. Then I got down and missed 66, not becos just nice i get down it leaves, but becos i didnt see it pass by... Zzzz. Vision very blurry.
What a total letdown. I'd expected a more negative reaction.

20 Mar 2009
C-E-N ©
The title is meant to be read with a slur, like ssiiiiiiiiiaannnnn, yep, lame I know...

21 Mar 2009
That's how much space 10 009 digits and 109 letters take up...

22 Mar 2009
What a large pile of bullshit for a life. I couldn't do art, and I can't focus on my revision, guess I'm useless afterall.
Friends (if any), you don't have to wish me 'all the best' for my exams, maybe 'good luck' will be much more appropriate. There is no 'best' to talk about.
Perhaps I really just need a break from this cowdung life.

28 Mar 2009
I'm feeling otherwordly-and-apocalyptically moody right now.

I nearly vomitted on the bus ride, felt horrible. Whilst mugging in the canteen, terror struck me when my vision become low quality, with specks of impurities in colours, like taking a photograph with the ISO set to the highest. Peripheral range and my center of gaze reduced rapidly, and I bought some bread in fear of fainting. Then my hands and arms started feeling numb, stinging randomly.

I realised my eyes were bloodshot red, with protuding and distinct bloody veins covering my right eye especially concentratedly when I got home. Wow, I'm not even sure if they were already like that before the paper. The veins stayed there until Saturday, although the eyes were not that red anymore.

I'm really tired, like really really tired, and I could see things glowing. Especially clothes with lighter colours. It looked like people were giving off aura...

I kept falling asleep while I was painting, resulting in some unwanted brush marks on the painting.
What a screwed up life, really, it teaches me how events in life are all interconnected through time.

I can never think of something suitable as an answer to a particular question. It is something close to ''How's your Art?''. Another one is ''What do you all do for Art?''.

I hate it when I look at the clock and tell myself that I won't be getting any sleep tonight either, so I'll sleep for one to two hours now. I bet that'll happen again tomorrow, and its tomorrow, and...

31 Mar 2009
So that'll provoke me to work harder and develop a more serious attitude towards my studies.
First time I'm so optimistic regarding such stuffs and especially after epic failures in like every aspect of my student life.

April is just too recent.

What a father I have. This happened while I was colouring. He complained to me that I kept giving hm trouble, causing him to be scolded by my mum. What? I haven't opened my mouth to ask him to stop interrupting me unnecessarily. What a dad. Not just unwilling to interact with his children, but also finding them a burden, plus, telling one of them face to face. I'm officially unhappy. No way I'll listen to any of you two and sleep according to your wishes.

2009-04-12T14:31:00.003+08:00

TERMINAL MASQUERADE

Epilogue. Impending doom. Claustrophilia. Frustration. Halberd of oblivion. Impaled. Pathetic. Derelict existence. Wither. Degenerate. Devastation. Despair. Destruction. Bleak. Dissonance. Discrepancy. Threshold. Precipice. Implosion. Shattered. Annihilation. Massacre. Slaughter. Dust. Myriad of fractals. Perish. Null and void. Vestige. Solstice. Apocalypse.

2009-04-12T00:51:00.004+08:00

GOOSEBUMPS

A minute ago, that is. Don't get me wrong, it's not the kind of sudden shiver down the spine those characters in horror movies feel right before their misfortune, or rather, tragic end. Hmm. I just reminded myself that it's past midnight now and I'm the only one awake in my house... but anyway, it's because of the coffee I drank. Is it strange to get goosebumps everytime I drink coffee? Maybe so, since I won't believe that other people experience the same. Definition of 'goosebump' from Dictionary.com: [noun] reflex erection of hairs of the skin in response to cold or emotional stress or skin irritation. So that means those weren't goosebumps just now! *scratches my head* Goosebumps, I sure miss that lame old ~~novel~~ storybook series which also had an adaptation into a TV show. Wonder how this word came about... My hypothesis says that it's some rotting away peasant who killed his goose (strange, I don't think of poor people from ancient times having geese) and saw these weird bumps on its skin after plucking out its feathers just so that he could eat the blood-covered feathers raw, and when he stuffed the feathers into his huge mouth, he got the similar looking bumps, subsequently freaking out and kneeling in front of the goose's corpse praying to Stalin for mercy until he was sent to concentration camp, and the legend spread for more than 10 generations, in the end becoming an accepted English word. Ah, no way that was true. I contradicted myself by saying ancient times, 10 generations and Stalin.

Nothing more I can think of for 'goosebumps'. Let's talk about HIV! Maybe not.

What comes into your mind when I say 'spray paint art'? Graffiti? Profanity? Potential bombs? Brandon McConnell, a street artist, is a fine manipulator of spray paint. He is fast and skilful, like seriously. Don't be fooled by the first few sprays!

Edgar Müller, another street artist, but a different kind, the type who vandalises the street legally. Stuff like this is really cool.

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I love watching speed painting videos. They're so captivating, the way lines develop into amazing stuff. This video below is a free hand digital painting in Photoshop, sped up. Pretty crazy for something done as a speed painting. Digital painting is just so different from the traditional way of painting...

Chris Scalf, what a guy. From his other videos, you'll see that he also uses pencils, coloured pencils, acrylic, airbrush, oil etc, and he does photorealistic portraits! This teaches me to correct my belief that photorealism takes a lot of time. This artist is a master of photorealism. So far from what I've seen, his speed acrylic paintings take at most only 4 hours. Photorealistic painters, and I mean those who work with acrylic and not oil, talk about number of weeks or even months! I was blown away by these 2 videos:

In photoshop (3.5 hours):

In acrylic (3 hours):

Another digital speed painter is Nico di Mattia, who works directly with colours, as opposed to colouring on a monochrome base like the former artist. I saw a comment ''that looks awesome! you should be a cartoonist'' on his painting. I kind of laughed. I can understand where the person was coming from, but man! After looking at his biography on his website and considering his technical skill, I thought that that particular comment is unintentionally insulting.

Come to think of it, the above featured works can really give people goosebumps! Hahaha. There's always something new I discover in the world that amazes me.

I noticed a stark contrast in the way the talented inexperienced works and the way many professionals work with their materials. They, the professionals, are able to discard perfectionism as and when they like, which ultimately enables them to achieve perfection in the painting's own light. The inexperienced cannot. They care too much about perfection in the 'process', which ruins the end result in a way.

I feel his pain (Chris Scalf), though definitely not as much.
''The majority of comments I get are extremely positive and wonderful, but as an artist I still get challenged if even just one person publicly suspects me of cheating the process. In this case, since I have been using photoshop-- some think that there's apossibility that I am "tracing" a layer, and editing that part OUT of the vids. I can see how that might seem possible to some (if you are not looking closely at how the detail is coming together). Apparently, some people don't believe it is possible to actually freehand draw and get accurate proportions without erasing a lot, or tracing.''
Have you ever pondered about why harsh criticisms are usually made by fellow artists?
''Too often, we find ourselves comparing our abilities with theirs (other artists') in a competitive way. There's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, but if it gets too much in the way, we forget to enjoy that other person's art and really take in the inspiration they have to offer, as well.''
An ugly way of putting it: jealousy, arrogance, narrow-mindedness, over-inflated pride, immaturity and so on.

However, there was once I came across a blog post: http://www.metafilter.com/79606/Though-I-wish-he-didnt-call-it-dreamism featuring an artist's work. Epic. I have absolutely no idea what the critics were thinking of. That was far beyond factors like ego and arrogance...

Remember this well: ''Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics...''
Why so you may ask: ''Even if you win, you're still retarded...''
This is the same for pointless unconstructive critisms.

2009-04-09T23:01:00.009+08:00

GLEE

It's amazing how human emotions fluctuate so easily and frequently with such seemingly exaggerated ampitude, so much so that it merely suggests the scientific elements of the human body instead of the philosophical views on feelings and emotions.

I could be here right now rejoicing about the success at something small and blowing it up to improportionate magnitudes, and there later confused by questions to myself like ''what do I want'' and ''why do I do'', or perhaps fantasizing about how I can murder using my dissatisfaction alone.

Nevertheless, today's a wonderful day. Nice weather, don't you agree? At least it wasn't that scorching and humid when I was on my way back from college (such a nice word compared to 'school'). Of course that's not the point (sorry for insulting your level of understanding if you thought it is). I woke up and saw 2 replies to my email of coursework suggestions, and it brightened my day to know that a few actually appreciated it (although I'm pretty sure most of them won't even bother to go through the attached document)... Thursdays are always good, with my totally imbalanced timetable, ending as early as 11.40am. Physics SPA was expectedly easy, and Project Work can now rest in peace. Though I felt a teeny weeny bit sorrowful that there really isn't anything to be that joyful about. Like, YAY~! and then... ... ... ... ok, yayz, lol. I shall apologise first, if you got a B grade and is now reminded of your... erm, B. Seriously, elation don't last, even more so when there's no one to share the joy with. Misery on the other hand, is much more resistant to external intervention and sometimes may even escalate and swell to show suicidal symptoms. Just look at this example right before your eyes, the aura given out by the rapid evaporation of delightment. Happiness is really volatile. See here: HAPPY!
Then I wonder, what am I trying to say in the previous 5 sentences or so? Ah, I see, I'm promoting 'misery' since it doesn't expire so early and in conclusion, it is more worth it to feel miserable!

I feel troubled. My not so understanding parents preach about sleeping everyday, and my immune system against such kinds of pathogenic material is starting to degenerate. Why is sleeping not good? Propaganda in any form is never a good thing.

Just to add on, some people can really be unreasonable sometimes. Nearly all that is not directly tied to my studies is deemed unnecessary and I would then be stamped with a '不懂事'. Oh please, when was the previous time I purposely sat in front of that electronic box with fluttering lights and bombarding sounds coming out of it? When was I ever playing computer games? So does it mean things like browsing deviantArt for artworks, browsing through the photographs I had taken, typing some words on the monitor screen, casual talking with my best friend on the phone or after lessons and looking at 55 pages of manga every Saturday etc, are unacceptable? That kind of thinking is too conservative. Why not sacrifice my sleep, since I'm having difficulty coping with my time? That's right, no matter how minimal, everyone needs rest. I too, need a break from all of these at times. *Heaves a deep sigh, not of relief*

-完-

Random: Maybe 'Vivo City' partially came from the word 'vivacity', simply meaning liveliness.
Random II: Puzzling, my sister talks to me in an almost one minute conversation with her eyes looking elsewhere the entire time, changing directions occasionally (she's standing at my door facing me!). It's just so rude. Is this strange or exotic? 0.o
Random III: Does the first few years of your life make so much physical difference? I was born a vegetarian, my sister is not. I'm underweight, most evident looking at the thickness of my bones. My sister is 'bigger' than most girls of her height, and maybe she's almost overweight now... As in, we must be biologically similar right? Aren't siblings usually all obese or all thin? So far I'm the only one in this teenage to young adult age group in my entire family line who is born a vegetarian so I can't make any comparisons. It seems that the internet doesn't provide detailed information regarding such stuffs either, which is to be expected: imagine getting enough people born as vegetarians and drawing conclusive data from them. I heard my parents talking about it before though, that it's actually better that I become a vegetarian only after I turn eighteen.

2009-04-08T03:16:00.004+08:00

RADICAL ACCUMULATE
QUANTUM DEGENERATE

Today's a great day. I did my Maths and Physics tutorial, like finally. It
I'm gaining weight, metaphorically. The burden, the load on me and
felt great. I am determined to work hard for Art! Talking about that, I
part of me, is increasing yet again. It's April, already. No, honestly I'm
shared my compiled list of links to artists' website with my fellow Art
not as concerned about April meaning one month to SYF. I'm talking
friends. I just had the urge to do that. I spent quite some time, but well,
about Art here. It's already time to finalise on the materials we'll be
it doesn't feel so bad doing a good thing, once in a while. Every of
using, i.e. size and number of canvas(es). Additionally, I realised how
those website is discovered by me on my own afterall. PW results will
far behind schedule I am. So disgusted and exhausted by my inability
be out in less than 2 days' time! I pray for my mood to not be affected
to account for every of my responsibilities. In the end, I just fail at all
too much by it. I didn't get A for Physics, woo hoo!! My grades are
areas which I originally had desired to keep a balance. I long for a
totally off my charts this time round. I can imagine a 100-200 position
temporal escapade from all of this negative reality, this happening.
drop, easily. Enough of the unhappy past. I shall look forward to doing
What can I possibly do other than to sigh and complain in this void of
Art on Thursday (have to try memorising the scores now, and prepare
noir? I hate this, and the feeling of utter defeat in the entirety of my
for Physics SPA on Wednesday). I still find it dumb, for my timetable
existence. I'm a sore loser. Don't worry, I guess I will soon feel better,
to be like that, like heavy duty Mondays and Tuesdays, coupled with
in a few seconds' time, within the magnitude of 10^4. So this actually
a contrast of slacking off from Wednesdays to Fridays, lessons wise.
serves no purpose for the reader. It's an expression (that will become
It's funny, I have nothing much to discuss about nowadays. Hmm...
something lost in my mind's archives), rather than a recount anyway...

2009-04-05T11:52:00.002+08:00

IMPOSSIBILITY

baby LOONEY TUNES; HOME SWEAT HOME; JASPER's property; HIGHLY TOXIC; 2-Ply 170 Sheets; Soft Tissues; 454g; Fe2O3; STREAMLINE; Nutrition Information; NANYANG TECHNOLOGICAL UNIVERSITY; ADM; TIME; HUP ANN TRAVEL PTE LTD; Please Do not open!; Please do not open!; Please Do not open!; Please Do Not Open!; This belongs to: Benjamin Chan Jun Hao; 1.25 liter; KRAFT Jacob's Cream Crackers; WINNING; ACTIMIX; TAMPINES COSMIC EVOLUTION ORIENTATION 2002; KT COLLECTION; STUDENT GUIDE 2009/2010; SCHOOL OF ART, DESIGN AND MEDIA; 3 Steps to a Well-Balanced Diet; GoodLife; Kereki Theodora; ANNO 1878 KORUNNI; BIOLOGY A Course for 'O' Level; Merry Christmes!; SynTactic; GCE 'A' Level H2 Physics Topical Papers; INSPIRING MY FUTURE. MY DREAM; Ming Xin Gong Cai; 0 Pelikan 50 STUDIO GERMANY; 6 A ARTBRUSH GR-700 JAPAN; POP artz; Sony Ericsson; ASUS; MARIGOLD; Special*; KRAFT All Time Favourite; Meiji; AMY & BRIAN; All Natural Coconut Juice With Pulp; Tonic Food Drink; Nestle MILO; Watsons; Beiersdorf Inc; Yeo's Wintermelon Tea; NIN JIOM PEI PA KOA; NIN JIOM PEI PA; REJECT IF SAFETY BUTTON IS UP; La Cremeria; ELLANE; AKIRA; Beiersdorf Inc; sato; FOLLOW ME; Poetry in Nature; Posting Create; PUBLISH POST SAVE NOW.

2009-04-02T01:04:00.007+08:00

AND MOMENTS

I would say this is some amazing technology, and it's hard to believe that it's initiated by a student. Sometimes I think that people perform better when they're in higher end educational intsitutes than when they go out to work. Maybe it's because education allows more room for creativity and expression as compared to profit driven organisations?

If you want some laughter, here's a good read: http://alexiuss.deviantart.com/journal/23824911/
You can ignore the journal's title. He was from Russia and is obssessed about butter. That'll explain some things you'll see in his journals, for lame-ness' sake.

Sense of visual proportionality and perception that is impossibly difficult to achieve. You have to finish watching the entire video to see how the painting develops. Another one.

The previous time I browsed through my old drawings, like all the way back from as early as Primary 3, and I realised something. My drawings were always rather proportionate and accurate as long as I referenced. I really wonder why didn't I start shading and colouring earlier. The real time when I started using shades and tones more proficiently was Secondary 3... The best thing about drawing is that you just keep improving, and will never lose touch, not in drawing, not in painting. The other good thing is that in today's global world, you get to compete with the entire world, in a sense. I actually drew very little, considering that I'm taking Art as a subject.

.

Look! My drawing shot a cero! =O

I don't have pictures of my drawings from Sec 1 and 2, also no 'O' Levels coursework pictures... T_T

So few drawings! D=

7V2b6L: It's so sad, Jasper. You've improved a lot, yes, but it's obvious you still have much to work on. Your works have that student-ish look. Artists' works just give off a different feel.

Yea, I wonder why. Not just me, though. When you look at an outstanding piece from an Art student, you may think that it is really at a professional standard, but somehow when you place something done by a student and something done by an artist side by side, as long as they have distinctive similarities, it's easy to tell which one is done by the artist. It's not as though the work is less attractive.

P.S.: If this were English (subject) or GP, I would have died, using so many ''you''s. Hahaha...

2009-03-31T01:11:00.004+08:00

RELOAD

I'm always so short on time. Just slept for 3 hours before studying for Chemistry SPA which I still am. Tutorials? Forget them please...

Yesterday's a terrible day. I didn't produce any extra complete work (not even one) for Art with that minimal amount of time. I was rushing for my Art deadline, and after my body and mind couldn't take the toll anymore, I went to sleep, planning to wake up after 30 minutes to continue Art. When someone woke me up, it struck me that I overslept by almost 2 hours! 6.38am. The 4-letter word came into my mind instantly. Luckily my dad drove me to school. If not I'll be late for school and for Art deadline, doubly screwed, in other words. I panicked so much that I forgot my materials file and reference file, as well as my dry medium materials and 2 incomplete oils. Then Mr Heng gave a maximum up till the end of the day to do last minute work, which I of course wouldn't be able to make use of, given the above, plus the fact that there's choir.

Getting back of results. It seems I did worse than what I thought, a lot worse especially for Mathematics and Physics mcq. From the looks of it, I probably scored very low for GP essay too... My tutor marked that question. My rebellion turned out to be too effective, hah. It's okay though. It's kind of depressing though, as I can see that my Maths tutor is extremely disappointed in the class, and... my performance... a steep decline of 30% in Mathematics, my best subject in terms of percentage last year. Reminds me of how I deteriorated in Maths from Sec 3 to 4, and that memory of scoring E8 for A.Maths paper 1 and A1 for paper 2 in Prelims. ''Even those who normally do well dropped'', and I was pretty shocked that our class did so badly while 06 did a lot better, ratio wise. I don't feel sad for myself strangely, probably since I know I can do loads better. I'm happy, that there's no way for me to remain at the top, probably falling to 5th position or something. So that'll provoke me to work harder and develop a more serious attitude towards my studies. Yes, attitude determines a lot. I had so little time for Promos last year, but with a correct attitude, I managed to even improve in my results. The chance for my comeback will be the June holidays. So I must make absolute sure that I finish my prepwork by the end of the first week of the June holidays. Not impossible, but it's not easy to achieve at all. I'm correct after all, May is the most important month for me, so I guess I have made the wiser decision. First time I'm so optimistic regarding such stuffs and especially after epic failures in like every aspect of my student life.

I kind of dread going for choir practices nowadays... Sigh. It's going to be more practices starting next week, so I really hope the practices for SYF and concert pieces are separated. I'm having trouble memorising the percussion movements in Tanchame. Fine, I didn't spend any effort trying to outside of practice. I'm certain they'll have SYF 'auditions' sometime soon. I'm afraid of those. There's the banner thing to settle, which I don't even know and don't really want to know the details of it. I have a feeling the design isn't decided yet.

I shall type out my goals for JCT and everything I wish to achieve before Term III here and now. GP- D/C (depending on MCT scores), PA2- A, CA2- B, MA2- A, AR2 p1- B, AR2 p2- A, 1st in class for PA2, MA2, 2nd in class for CA2, high A standard for coursework, completion of all 8 prepwork boards by end of first week of June holidays, finishing up NYAA, full understanding of Chemistry, memorisation of Physics definitions, adequate practise for Maths, Physics and Chemistry. Goals must always be set high, you see. It's just a trend among modern Singaporean youths.

2009-03-28T19:04:00.005+08:00

GOIYWT

I'm feeling otherwordly-and-apocalyptically moody right now, so do expect this to be a long, wordy, and blunt not-nice post. Take it lightly, I'm most probably not talking about you if you are not absolutely sure that I am, unless I sort of overestimated humans' basic sensitivity towards emotions and feelings, which includes also, self-awareness. Of course, I will not skip the past few days' events. Each alphabet in the title represents an English word by the way, but it's rather rude, hence the pseudo censorship. If you're wondering why I always do this sort of things, it's because I need to vent my frustrations somewhere. Why I seem so 'hypocritical', it's because I care that I don't shoot blindly at people, and because I don't want to 'lie' to myself in my own blog and I need to vent, as I have said.

A lot of people commonly ~~mistake~~ accuse me (jokingly or not doesn't really matter, the fact remains that such comments make me feel unhappy) as the type of people who says that they didn't study when they actually did, and of course such people usually score well too. It makes me wonder, why is there such a large number of qian4 bian3 Singaporean teenagers who enjoy getting such a kind of attention. Having good academic results doesn't necessarily mean that I'm actually coping well (neither does it actually say anything along the lines of I-am-smart which I feel is not that true, though that's not the main point), even if it is so for most examples that you can find. I am just a person who is concerned about doing his best in a highly disadvantageous situation, and sometimes that 'best' could turn out yielding better results, that's all. It's not so bad now, though, because I defintely will not do well this time round. My classmates wouldn't be too surprised, but they'll start talking about it and about whoever tops the class instead, which is advantageous for me. It's just the March Common Test, nothing much (March)... I'll just do my best to 'finish up' my responsibilties, and prepare well enough for the more important examinations coming up in June. On a side note, I thought nothing could be worse than what happened for me right before the Promotional Examinations last year: I only started revision 2 days before the 1st paper, when some people started as early as 2 months before I did (some are freaked out at their JCT results it seems). Unexpectedly, I had slightly more time to prepare for MCTs but spent a lot less time on revision, 2 extra full days to be more exact. Reason? I failed in forcing myself to care about the MCTs.

I really hate it when all such stereotyping takes place. It makes me feel out of place, like alienated, distanced from the stereotypers. I sometimes really can't help but ponder on whether other people had such experiences, such feelings. No? It's probably a 'yes' for many...

Of course the recent spade of events contributed to my restrained mood too. It especially sparked off this elongated and amplified gloominess the evening before Chemistry paper. I couldn't get anything into my head, so I wanted to get a good 2 hour sleep in an attempt to turn the tables. From 7.30pm to 10.30pm, I was tossing around in bed. I was that persistent only because I knew I wouldn't be sleeping if I didn't sleep at that time. I got out of bed feeling ****** ** and angry to the point where my anger rarely reached. I posioned myself with caffeine immediately, before switching on the fan to cool myself down (I felt very heated up, as though I just had a run). Motivated and fueled by my fury, I managed to study efficiently. Been long since that last happened. The only problem is fatigue spreading from my eyes to my brain and to my body. I then injected more caffeine and slept for nearly an hour, before achieving the overly ultrasenses mode to finish my browsing of Chemistry (by the way, coffee can cause sore throat). I failed to do so, and flipped through the last few major topics. I couldn't walk properly due to the high sensory to body limits ratio. I think I walked extremely fast, but it felt slow and different from normal walking. I nearly vomitted on the bus ride, felt horrible. Whilst mugging in the canteen, terror struck me when my vision become low quality, with specks of impurities in colours, like taking a photograph with the ISO set to the highest. Peripheral range and my center of gaze reduced rapidly, and I bought some bread in fear of fainting. Then my hands and arms started feeling numb, stinging randomly. Luckily digestion and assimilation took place fast enough. Chemistry, screwed up. My body too. I actually felt a lot more awake after Chemistry paper, which is abnormal. I realised my eyes were bloodshot red, with protuding and distinct bloody veins covering my right eye especially concentratedly when I got home. Wow, I'm not even sure if they were already like that before the paper. The veins stayed there until Saturday, although the eyes were not that red anymore after I slept. I slept until 8 plus, and then slept again from 12am till nearly 4am. I read 2 hours of Mathematics. Of course, I wouldn't have had an easy time doing the questions with this amount of preparation. I hardly studied Physics, partly due to my mum not wanting to wake me at 10.30pm but 1 plus instead, partly due to me giving up after the 2 disasters. After Physics paper ended at 10.30am, I had to lurk around until 4pm. I ate, did some Art, slept, talked with Wei Jian with some interruption. For choir camp, it was good for the parts I was present in. Just that I'm really tired, like really really tired, and I could see things glowing. Especially clothes with lighter colours. It looked like people were giving off aura... While many did not sleep well, I slept almost 5.5 hours in total. even with that amount of sleep, I still felt sleepy for the whole of Saturday. Attended Mr Chen's wedding, which was great, though I fell asleep a few times during the speeches. I left choir right after getting back to school, so I didn't really go for the camp, just the usual Friday practice. When I tried doing Art in the afternoon, I felt unmotivated and lost in direction (again). Also, I kept falling asleep while I was painting, resulting in some unwanted brush marks on the painting. I then utilised the hot water from the water cooler in the canteen to get myself coffee-dised. Sigh. What can I possibly produce in one day? I still have Chemistry SPA to memorise before Tuesday, and there's choir on Monday. What a screwed up life. I surely wouldn't attempt my tutorials either. What a screwed up life, really, it teaches me how events in life are all interconnected through time.

I can never think of something suitable as an answer to a particular question. It is something close to ''How's your Art?''. Another one is ''What do you all do for Art?''. I can assure anyone and everyone, I am positive that I won't complete more than 60% of the MCT requirement, the coursework part that is. Maybe I will, if I'm shameless enough to dump every badly incomplete piece on the prepboards.

My parents, I feel, in a sense, stopped supporting me in many areas since who hows when. Positive side, I am more self-dependent (I find the word 'independent' unsuitable) in such areas. Negative side, I feel distanced from them. I can't really blame them, since they have other things they'll want to worry about. I just can't help but feel that it's a pity. For example, they never understood what I am going through, I mean the obstacles that are more physical, tangible. I am pretty sure they wouldn't know when I'm feeling down and when I'm not, either. The only exception is the previous time when I conversed with my mum, and then she 'advised' me to not put so much commitment into Art, which is still unclear to me whether it's because she understood how I feel or just the normal case when she'll nag at me to sleep and to ignore whatever I had to finish. My mum's sudden moodswings are starting to annoy me very much too, just like it is right now.

I hate being interrupted. I hate it when there's someone else other than me at home. No matter who it is, they'll defintely come interrupt me every once in a while. That's why the most efficient time for me to study or to do work is approximately after 1.30am. I really hate it when I'm interrupted for nonsensically unimportant things. 6 times so far, while I'm typing this post.

I hate it when I look at the clock and tell myself that I won't be getting any sleep tonight either, so I'll sleep for one to two hours now. I bet that'll happen again tomorrow, and its tomorrow, and...

I hate it when I remind myself of dates and times when I have something on. I hate it even more when something suddenly crops up, effectively ruining my schedule which is already very bad due to me not being able to meet my own deadlines, not anywhere close at all. The loose strings of NYAA, I can predict, since Jun Hao has more time now.

I hate it when I see blatantly obvious clues that people are actually very free (notice I don't even include 'in comparison to me'). People who think they are busy, in most cases, only actually have this dreadfully time consuming thing known as PDP. It threads the boundary between reasonable and absurd if they used 'busy' as an excuse to some thing, when their 'busy' is caused by such a thing as overestimation of their capabilities that they would probably deny. It brings me to the previously mentioned point of stereotyping. They based everything off by looking at academic results. Good results, hence coping well, should take up more responsibilities, it is a given that I will do well. Those who said they are busy and thus this hence that therefore everything, how much commitment is involved? I can't judge, but if they give me a shocked look when I tell them I slept 4 hours last night (just an example), this probably means they usually sleep more than that, so either they did not give their best, or could not give a damn about some things while they focused on others.

In short, I hate myself for being so easily demoralised by things that are not supposed to affect me.

If only, if only, if only... May Thursday come and go quickly. Let the SPA be over. May ________ take mercy on me and let me dedicate my time to just keeping up with studies, predominantly Art, and choir for this upcoming month.

2009-03-24T11:45:00.007+08:00

PANIC

Ok, nevermind the boring title. I'm worried about Chemistry. No, I should say, I'm seriously extremely pessimistically (is there such a word?) worried about my Chemistry concepts. Can't believe it used to be my best sciences subject back in 2007... Half a day left! Hope writing out the concept stuffs will work wonders!

GP was... meh... Regret spending that time trying to memorise facts. Should have memorised my health essay instead. Comprehension... meh meh... I totally don't know how decently accurate is my rephrasing. Art... I would be happy to get a pass, given my very few pieces covering a very small area, and that screwed up essay... Unless Mr Heng marks like Mrs Neo? He had never marked our coursework material, and based on how he gives credit to quantities of quality writings, I would score really low due to low quantity and lack of conceptual depth (they are observational drawings afterall...).

After watching some videos, I feel so nostalgic. Those past happy times. The great leaps in power. Really hope we haven't lose our interest in that area.

I pierced my left hand with the powerful high carbon steel scissors which I used to cut iron sheets. Accidentally, not intentionally. I was cutting plastic this time though, and if you don't know, most plastics are a lot tougher than iron. Quite an amount of intensely coloured liquid oozed out of that deep micro-canyon on my hand. I panicked and soaked it up using a tissue paper, before rushing to create a flood to dilute that liquid. I also had a piece of plaster on my study desk (cause I get cuts too often), so I conveniently covered it up using that. I nearly slashed my right elbow too, but thanks to my thick skin and reflex action, I avoided that tragic end. Ahh, a sudden pain coming from my wound. Sob...

Killer blades. The tip of the left blade chipped off when I cut my portable telephone... Yea, it's nuts, no wonder the most advanced battle tanks use plastic instead of steel now.

Hard plastic I was trying to pry open.

Sorry if it looks morbid. Looks like what you get from a nosebleed doesn't it?

Can you spot the pierce mark?

The setup that nearly slashed me. It's freaking sharp, I tell ya.

Somehow this photo looks better than the real one that's right behind me.

2009-03-22T14:34:00.002+08:00

RECURSION PARADOGS

What a large pile of bullshit for a life. I couldn't do art, and I can't focus on my revision, guess I'm useless afterall. I can't focus on anything I do. I feel tired all the time. I believe it's an indication that my body has adapted to working at night. I sleep a lot these few days. At least 7 hours, yet still tired. Friends (if any), you don't have to wish me 'all the best' for my exams, maybe 'good luck' will be much more appropriate. There is no 'best' to talk about. I haven't tried my best, not even a bit. It's coming true, my post about giving up on MCTs, but be rest assured that it's not me trying to give up on purpose. Perhaps I really just need a break from this cowdung life.

2009-03-21T13:23:00.008+08:00

3.
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Don't look at the computer screen like that. I'm just trying to release some of my stress.
That's how much space 10 009 digits and 109 letters take up..

2009-03-20T10:08:00.008+08:00

C-E-N ©

The title is meant to be read with a slur, like ssiiiiiiiiiaannnnn, yep, lame I know... I feel lost in direction. This sucks so much. The best time to do my Art, the period where I'm not stressed to do Art, but I need to study for MCTs... Have to build up some bonds with dear Chemistry and some attractions with everything related to EM... I'll be wasting some time later, too, on meaningless bus trips.

Photons are cool and amusing. K that's random... Here! I picked some of the photographs that I will not consider using in my coursework at all. So feel free to kop if you bother to. I don't mind, I reduced the resolution anyway~

2009-03-19T09:30:00.008+08:00

OBEISANCE

Art is NOT over! What the **** is this?! I'm going on a RAGE!

The day before the submission deadline. Monday 16th March. I tried to do Art. Deciding what else I should do in that very very short time frame. I could only abandon my realistic intepretations and think of what can be done quickly... And so I came up with a list of things I shall attempt. The main reason why probably only I would do such a thing: I don't want to randomly run frantically without opening my eyes and hope that I won't bang into anything. I told myself that I must not die without a fight, but I also don't want my panic efforts to go into waste. Then there's a choir workshop with a conductor from the Phillipines, Jonathan Velasco. I reached school early and did a bit of colouring of my engine room image which didn't come into play in the end... That practice literally killed off my consciousness. I was already in half-awake mode from the start. The caffeine forcing my eyes open... It was difficult to stop worrying about what will happen to my prepwork boards. Then I realised we sort of wasted 3 hours. The workshop, ideally starting at 12, in actuality begun at around 2.30pm. Then I was so tired by the end of it that I didn't want to be so urgent-ish anymore. I was even glad I went for choir, because it served as a temporal escape route from the Art rush. Fuelled my working system with a cup of coffee and immediately slept for 2 hours upon reaching my working studio. Only went into berserk mode around mid-afternoon the next day, before which I went along with my own comfortable pace (from an exchange of sms, I found out that Mr Heng would only see the prepwork boards on Wednesday morning). It was hell. The temptation of just closing my eyes. The holding back of the devil in me that had wanted to tear everything up. Glad I did not do that. It's basically something that cannot be expressed properly in words.

My temporarily expanded working studio.

My working room cum storeroom. Yea, that's my horrendous promos artwork.
.

I could not fall asleep even though I was so tired. I could not get my brain to stop its thinking processes. I would set alarms for insanely short durations, like at most 2 hours, if you compare it with a normal mortal's 6 hours or more. I would experience the in between of losing and retaining consciousness. Hard to describe, it's like you think you are probably asleep. Yes, the fact that I think whether I'm asleep or not when I feel that I'm asleep tells me some part of my brain is wide awake. When I finally do sleep, I get dreams and nightmares, wake up, get a shock and forget the contents of the dream, look at the alarm, realise that I woke up before the set time, fall back asleep.

I slept from 4.58am to 5.30am. Then I mentally gave up the race. I ate my breakfast in the lift. I sent an epic message to Wei Jian (didn't send to Jun Hao because it's too lame):

Just got a death sentence. Execution's in less than 2 hours' time. Farewell, take care!

- ur zombified friend

Another one which shows how ****ed up I was:

My eyesight has screwed up. I boarded 65 thinking it was 60. Then I got down and missed 66, not becos just nice i get down it leaves, but becos i didnt see it pass by... Zzzz. Vision very blurry.

Then Mr Heng look at our works and claimed that he's very happy that we produced assuring works. What a total letdown. I'd expected a more negative reaction. Most of us only had 2 or 3 prepwork boards, despite him expecting 4. I only had 2, with all my presentable incomplete works and crap such as a rust-covered paper and a rusty iron plate. In my opinion he doesn't realise that pushing us like this in the most ridiculous way only results in low quality works that aren't very useful. I am totally relieved that I chose not to 'run frantically' withoust a sense of direction. I see pieces literally covering half an A2-sized board each. Many attempted to deceive his eyes by using photographs. Lots of photographs in fact. Some printed words to paste on the boards. I see loads of repetitive works on some people's boards too. There're some not-so-time-consuming-at-all photoshopping as well. I chose not to paste anything, not to print any photographs either, as I do not want to deceive myself. So at least I know that even if I complete every of my unfinished works, decent looking or not, I only have slightly more than 2 boards of real substance. He may say that he's happy, but are we? Many are aware that they won't be placing some of what they submitted on their actual boards.

I collected rust from my rust-water suspension through filtering, believe it or not. And this is less than a quarter of my total yield. I had learnt my lesson. Boiling the suspension removes the water of crystallisation as well, hence bringing down the mass of the rust.

Nice patterns formed by letting the wet rusted iron rest inclined. Too bad the fixative destroys the colours at the thin and moist parts.

The sunset on Tuesday. Creepy eh? Ominous. No la, it's my painting! XD It started off horrendously unblended and wrong-looking, the colours. I'm really glad my berserk mode made it look right.

We then went to NTU to visit their School of Art, Design and Media. Was dead tired yet I can't fall asleep on the way there, probably an hour or more. They had digital animation, digital filmmaking, photography and digital imaging, interactive media, product design and lastly, visual communication. I can't recall whether we went to see digital animation. Filmmaking, bahh, just not my interest. Photography, they study the making of 'black and white' (the professor said black and white, but the more accurate term should be grayscale, black and white means solid patches of extreme tonal values, just 2 shades) fine prints and adjusting ________ (I can't remember) to create their own personal photographs... This is so not about photography, I feel. Interactive media, they design interactive media, which in their case, it's game designing for the 2 students who were there. The not so thin guy and the professor really gives off an aura that tells their arrogance... You had to learn the programming yourself as the module focuses only on the designing and ideas part. The equipments they had for product design are just too mind-blowing. They manufacture a material they called chemical wood, not wood but having similar properties to wood. That's to reduce wastage of natural wood. Then they have an ownage machine called a 3D printer, which I never knew exists. The students construct their product model in a specific program and the printer would make the product for you. It was using a drilling motion to achieve an amazingly flat and smooth surface of a particular thickness at the time when we saw it. The person showed us some products the printer made. Like wow. Some form with S-shaped flowery petals, one made up of what looked like large pins piercing into a common point, a one-piece mechanism consisting a flat base which a complex turning thing stood. Can't visualise in what way is that made from one piece of chemical wood without any assembling needed. There's also the cover for what resembled a drilling device, with all the holes and spaces for the screws and wires. They had a machine that cuts out the model with laser technology. I think that's also a 3D printer. Enough said., NTU isn't a technological university for nothing. In visual communication they design books' layout, explore typography and the way things are presented. Oh, they design products' packaging as well. Ah, we did look at digital animation! They do cartoon animation before 3D ones. ADM's library is gorgeous too. They even had shelves of tutorial CDs. I saw a tutorial of Ryan Church's works, the main concept artist for the Star Wars movies, episodes II and III. His works are awesome - http://www.ryanchurch.com/. This is the sort of thing that would keep me hooked. The ideal type of career path I wish to follow, though not very possible and even if I do become one, there's a very low chance of a Singaporean making it big to famous movie studios and game companies. Not all talented people get their due recognition, more so in such categories like arts, in general. Look at the art of the anime movies, The Place Promised in Our Early Days and 5 Centimeters Per Second, they're just so awesome compared to the art of most (probably all) other anime studios (I feel it beats even Studio Ghibli). Yet I can't find any bit of information about the artist(s) behind the scenery art (other than their names of course). Ah, I strayed away from the topic. After looking through, I decided that the things they do at ADM isn't the sort of thing I would enjoy to take up professionally. I'd prefer architecture over this. And one thing, I don't want to be an Art teacher! That must suck, haha. I can't be one. I'll be jealous of my students if they are better than me when I was their age. I'd faint if they are as good or better than the future me that should have improved miles in skills and techniques, going by how much I improved in the past 3 years as a students who also does other subjects. *cross fingers and mumble incantations...

I slept for 9 hours straight from 2 plus in the afternoon till 11.30pm. I woke up and saw Mr Heng's sms telling us he'll extend the deadline to 30th March 8am, because he's 'hapi'... I'm so past the point caring about Art MCTs now. 27th and 28th are effectively taken up by choir and Mr Chen's wedding, and giving me one extra day for Art is as good as not extending the freaking deadline. I then slept at 1.30am till 7.30am. 15 hours! 2.5 times that of a normal mortal's sleep! This just goes to show how terrible JC Art is.

Last time I thought, how wonderful it would be if I had perfect eyesight. Sigh, I envy those people with really good eyesight. Myopia seems to me, highly hereditary. My mother, father, grandfather, sister, all had short-sightedness... All except my mother had not so good skin too (pimples...). Back on topic, yea, damn my eyesight. It's probably 500+ for both eyes by now... I'd also thought about how convenient it would be to have a Eidetic memory, or what is commonly known as photographic memory. Come to think of it, if I had that kind of memory, I most probably would not have any interest in art. What do you see everyday that you can recall it's details and features easily? Maybe your own fingers. Try drawing your hand, maybe once every 3 days. That'll kill interest. These people with total recall rememberes every detail of every scene they see, so they probably would not have the inclination to draw. It's also kind of creepy, being able to remember every single thing in detail, like 'oh, he picked his nose' and then recall the scene in absolute detail everytime you are reminded of that person.

I just thought of whether drawing from other people's photographs is considered copyright infringement, and it seems I violated copyrights! I shall keep quiet about which ones are from my own phtography and which are from other people's... Luckily there're only 2 so far, the 'copied' works.

Edit:

I didn't type out the part that is most closely associated with 'obeisance', dots... Anyway it's not exactly 'obeisance' at all, if you do check out the real definition.

I heard a comment that made me a little unhappy. Some people admire those like me, who are somewhat better at skills, in proportions, colours, basically realistic depictions. The way they said it sounds obvious to me that they've all overlooked the price to pay in that apparent talent. Being extremely good at, let's say language is one thing, while being especially skilful in the visual art is another thing. I shouldn't have to explain further.

'Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.'

- Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange, as quoted from Fullmetal Alchemist

Even though it's not totally true in reality's applications, I find that it somewhat made sense as well. On a less macroscopic level of the world, life is considerably fair.

2009-03-17T12:14:00.008+08:00

THE AFTERART

I wonder why I don't feel stressed or unhappy or emo-ey even though the dealine for our 4 prepwork boards is tomorrow and what I have that is complete can't even fill 1, let alone 4 times of that. I can't possible rush my 3 paintings, or is it 4, since they will take too long to be useful of my limited time. I'm so looking forward to tomorrow. Then I'll be so relaxed and carefree, just the MCTs to worry about, which I won't worry over it. I'll still continue to work on Art, those realistic representations that I have, especially. I'll study too, for Chemistry and Physics. The other 2, I'll probably only revise, not study. I'm motivated too. The 1st time I am so satisfied with my colouring. Like wow, I really surprised myself, looking at it. Even though I shouldn't post what you'll see below, but oh well, it's low resolution, incomplete, and a distorted perspective anyway.

Hmm, but come to think of it, this is still not any bit photorealistic. As in, compared to the professional level of photorealistic drawings and paintings.

Random: There are so many people named 'Jasper Liu' in this world. I also have a feeling that people are stealing the word (ok, it's not a word, then what do I call it) 'Nevaehell'. The last time Google search had so few results when I searched for 'nevaehell'. Other than me and a forum user, there was only a weird language that coincidentally had that spelling as a word. Now I see so many search results...

2009-03-16T01:12:00.003+08:00

DAWN NOIR

What a joke. I was foolish to even have thought of I would be a lot more productive, given the ridiculous amount expected of me within another less than two days' time. I wouldn't have thought that it can backfire on me. The loss of interest, literally prevented me from drawing, colouring or painting for the whole of Sunday. What I managed to do instead, was to foolishly pry open an electric heater, arrange my metallic items and takes pictures of the 'landscape' (which to my frustration, did not turn out as well as I had expected), hammer and shatter glass (damn the tiny pieces that fly everywhere), and... That's all I did?! I seriously think I'll fall apart.

Now I'm painting my totally far from complete paintings, which I do not have the slightest hope of finishing them in time. I guess I have to use pencil and pastels for some fill-in work that hopefully will be decent enough to display on the boards. I'll do some crap too, like 'exploring' the rust texture and various tree parts, or pick some real simple to draw things. Oh, and I finally realised that my choice of subject matter to draw or paint are ALL extremely detailed and complicated. I remember that people always say that I put in a lot of details in my drawings, like since Sec 3? But the details have kept increasing, now to the point that they make me lose interest (though just partly the reason). Now I'm looking at details of another level (not all are of this level of detail but most of them are)... Maybe what I haven't started doing will be not be as difficult: construction sites, metallic bridge, cranes and excavators, airplane view of the cityscape, a water pipe, iron chains, can opener, circuit boards, a lock-like thing, National Library, scrap metals, more buildings and cityscapes, skyscapes, some artificial light / shadows explorations, small metallic objects, metallic fence / gates, staircases, gears, streets and roads, factory structures etc.

I tried to sleep after drinking coffee just now, but I failed. Zzzz. 40 minutes rolling on the bed... Good gracious me, I'm going to die tomorrow. Really have this pessimimistic feeling, the type that makes your heart ache and makes you feel like screaming your woes off. Damn it all. Why is it so difficult for me to even do that which I'm supposed to enjoy? Sometimes out of nowhere, I will suddenly have this strong motivation to work, for my goals, for the bigger picture, and then... It all goes 'POOF!!' within who knows how short.

I'll be in a bad mood if the conductor makes us practise the musical tomorrow, even though it won't be his / her fault. And I hadn't memorised Tanchame properly. So effectively I screwed up for everything in Art, for academics pacing, for choir, for my health, for everything I stood for. I was once a highly self-disciplined person. I can become stressed, but never adopted such a violently pessimistic attitude. Why is this period of my life so distorted, twisted, and hideous. And I'm so repetitive nowadays.

2009-03-13T01:36:00.004+08:00

TOHELLROW'S THE DAY

Fake awake. This sucks. One day to exams and I still have so much to look through and then try to memorise key points. May divinity bless me!

This is not right... I'm so much more awake during school hours than during study hours. When I left home yesterday (oh my, that's 'yesterday' already) and was taking the lift down, I noticed the lift doors seemingly closing ridiculously slowly, and the storey numbers change at an unexpectedly slow rate. Then I stared at my watch. The seconds changed slower than usual. Sigh. My momentary sensory overload came at the wrong time. My eyesight and hearing was so much sharper than normal. Objects were glaring, in the details sense, and I could hear soft, multiple footsteps and some light dragging of feet from quite some distance. Nearing college, there's once when I suddenly heard footsteps and I was shocked, thinking there's someone right behind me and when I glanced around, there's no one. Then I realised the person producing the footsteps was like around 20 plus metres behind me? Gahh. If only this is permanent. Oh yea, reason for that: I fell asleep after drinking coffee though I didn't intend to.

I had a nightmare during that short 20 to 30 minute unplanned sleep. I could see myself in this dream (so I'm not looking through 'my' eyes here, but strange that I take that image as 'me'), and I looked different, being a real bony tall man. Was pushing a wheelchair with an old man sitting on it, walking along with a plump old woman and a plump middle aged man. Non of them had 'familiar' faces. Oh, and we were in a shopping centre, then suddenly 2 men fooling around on their wheelchairs bumped into the old man on the wheelchair I was pushing, and somehow they got off their wheelchairs (they could stand -.-) and the inertia of the other 2 wheelchairs carried the old man crashing through the railing and he landed in a pond at the 1st floor. Died with eyes opened. Then the middle aged man who was beside me took a piece of heavy glassware (from who knows where) and smashed the 2 people responsible for the old man's death on their heads. The 1st guy's head cracked (like ceramic 0.0) and the middle aged guy used a slashing motion to smash the head into bits, and that guy fell. For the other guy, the middle aged man went behind him and smashed the glassware vertically down on his head. Then it also cracked, with blood flowing out (no blood from the 1st though). Then the middle aged man used his fingers to puncture the guy's head near his right eye, causing the head to shatter. Then the middle aged man smahed the glassware onto his own head and killed himself in a similar manner directly in front of the old woman (inches away from her face), but strangely the old woman was expressionless, not even looking at the man. Left there at the mad scene was 'me' and the old woman. 'I' shook violently and cried, then helping the old woman walk to the lifts. I then awoke. Sometimes I can only marvel (not very suitable here) at how our unconscious mind works...

2009-03-11T06:17:00.003+08:00

IMPETUS

What for? Why for? I can't really tell. The reason, the propelling factor, is kind of not the same anymore. Really want Tuesday to be over quick, though if it does happen I'm probably screwed for Art. I'd thought Art would be more enjoyable. Now it feels like I'm forced to find ways of innovation, so much so that it's purely for the sake of marks. I should just make my own decisions. Not like I won't be innovative in my own ways. I certainly do not wish for my prepwork to be entirely consisting of other people's / person's 'advices'. I'm really tired, physically, mentally and in-every-way-ly. Had been sleeping for more than 6 hours a day for the past few days already. I was pondering the other day, thinking about how would / did other people coped with 'A' Level Art. Some had extreme require-studying subjects like Economics, History, Geography, Biology, and there are those enthusiasts (at least when they were J1s) who took up a tad tooooo many commitments: Student Council + another >twice a week PDP, House Committee etc. I can actually imagine Christopher and Wen Jun going through all that I am experiencing, too. They are really capable in their academics and score on the skills part in their coursework, also taking up H3 subject(s). I had seen both of their prepboards and final artpiece. It's simply obvious that their coursework was rushed and not fully substantial. Yet they got practically straight As. That's probably why I suddenly had this regret that is still bugging me. What's more, 'A' Level Art is definitely making me think multiple times about getting some artistically inclined job in the future. I really shouldn't have put so much emphasis on Art. Haha, I'll just murder myself if I don't get my A, and maybe that'll be because of Paper 1. Though ominous, it is a beautiful sunrise which my camera cannot capture nicely.

2009-03-10T01:26:00.003+08:00

BLOCKED

I have no idea why.
I think I lost that thing necessary to draw, to paint, to create art.
I don't know what I should do. There is so much to do, yet I can't do any.
I want to be really alone when I need to. So stop giving me trouble.
I already tried eating sweet things.
I always feel worse after waking up from my sleep.
I drank coffee too. Shouldn't the adrenaline make me work?
I even washed my face with cold water.
What had once worked for me are all ineffective.
What should I do to help myself?
Everything feels fake, artificial, as if it were all an act.
I guess now I have to search for the old me.

2009-03-09T19:42:00.007+08:00

HE WHO DESERVES WORSE

I'm utterly disappointed with him and his actions. No, perhaps 'disappointing' is too weak a word to describe my dissatisfaction of him. Then again, I can't think of any other word with a greater impact in my limited range of vocabulary and memory. He should be ashamed of himself. It's not like he's the only miserable guy suffering alone in this world at this point of time. Think about it. He is actually quite a fortunate person. He got what others wanted and failed to obtain, but did not treasure those valuable chances. I don't see other people who are like him doing what he did either. What he is, or at least what he claims to be going through, I'm certain couldn't be any more than what I did and am going through. I'd be willing to bet that what he said is not the primary cause of his problem, but something else, more with himself than others. So just stop whining. I know he will see this, and will be aware that he is the one I am mentioning. Don't blame me, I did this because I at the very least cared about him. If he were to disagree with me, he should just reflect on his past actions and look at where he is right now. Cowardice.

CORRECT / MISTAKE

I thought I wouldn't ever feel that way, since I had some really strong resolve deciding the road I take. That is regret. Regret, giving up on many things. Things people had tried so hard to get and where many failed to, where I just rejected every opportunity that came my way. I remembered Felix asking me why I don't want to take up H3 subjects, adding a ''people want also cannot take'' behind. Then in Samuel's blog, if I didn't get the wrong idea, he really wanted to get into the pre-U seminar. Probably aiming for a scholarship. A mere seminar and he already take it as something that important. Lots of people around are talking about getting scholarships, yet I let go of every opportunity that would allow me a higher chance of successfully applying for one. I denied Mazarin, ignored a MOE scholarship seminar email, a London universities seminar which they claimed to only select top students of various JCs based on J1 results, the chance of taking up not 1, but 2 H3 subjects. Of course, there's also the giving up of my academics, choir and generally my social network to be taken into account. This regret came when I saw how so many people getting an A for 'A' Level Art, and there are a few, only based on my personal opinion, who did not really do that much for their prepboards. At least the hardwork and effort of an A student that I had in mind, I cannot see. I can never tell whether I made the right choices. Perhaps it's already a mistake for someone like me to go in the direction of art as my priority. And, like my previous posts: Is it worth sacrificing so much?

FINAL LAP

Before MCTs that is. Today there's practically no lessons, and there was choir from 10.15am till 3 plus for everyone other than me. I went back during their lunch break. It's truely saddening.

Suddenly I feel very alone. The society seems to be filled with hypocrites. I'm probably one too. Who would've guessed that the quiet, emotionless, anti-social Jasper is such a person in reality. I still think it's not worth it, giving up on so many opportunities just because there is one that is really much more important to me.

Anyway, I shall really look for a way to work at my optimum efficiency. Probably a hideout, one quiet and considerably spacious area, preferably not in school. I don't really mind travelling if it really gives me a better working condition. Maybe such a place doesn't exist, I don't know.

Efficiency, or rather speed of working, I found out that for me, the most effective so far is shock, shock but not demoralisation. Surprising how close these two are. Shock in the sense that it makes me worry instanteneously and then resulting in the good kind of panic. I guess I want that and not actually to feel stressed. I was wrong the entire time. Oh well, whatever.

I don't know how I can pull this off. Even if maximally stretched, the best I can achieve is only that much, which will still look pathetic. Helpless and hopeless and useless me.

I am one who always desire the past and the future, never the present.

I certainly don't want to be suicidal. Individual who takes their lives tend to ... ... symptoms of which may include moderate alcohol abuse, insomnia, severe agitation, loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy (anhedonia), hopelessness, and persistent thoughts about the possibility of something bad happening. I had been having a hard time trying to fall asleep if I tell myself I want to sleep, but no problem at all in falling asleep against my own will.

9 and a half hours to daybreak. Stop looking back. Just forward and onward.

2009-03-08T23:33:00.007+08:00

IS THIS ME

I read through some of my 09 emo posts just now. Omg, is that really me? I seriously hope I won't go all depressed again. I can't imagine what I'd have done if it gets any worse than that which I experienced. Furthermore, I clearly recalled not being able to express my feelings when I typed those angsty posts. It's kind of hard to accept that I used such ways to describe my own situation.. I'm changing emotionally at an astonishing pace. At the start of the year, I only started to worry, and then I became afraid. Fear that the word 'stressed' cannot be used on me. Then I can't produce any form of efficiency, developing a strong desire to be weighed down by stress, as I once did. Soon after, all is just stress. Nothing else mattered. I panicked and couldn't think of what to do and how to help myself. Stress spread through my consciousness at an exponential rate. It went over the edge and I fell. It took a while before I got back up. Now I'm once again afraid. This time, I fear that I truly do not want to care anymore, about my responsibilities and my desire to achieve. I really hope that the reason for my apparent lower negativity is not that I'm past the point of caring about everything. I spent really long in front of the computer today. Is this a sign that I'm escaping from doing art? It seems the answer is obvious. I cannot say no to that question I asked myself.

2009-03-08T16:21:00.011+08:00

STRONGEST

Diiieeeeee!!!! Stupidly resilient ants. Everytime I draw or paint or use the computer I'd see and feel some crawling onto my hands, neck and even my right ear! Now they have evolved to crawl extremely fast, hard to die, survives on almost anything chewable and can even swim... My house is full of ants. Ants crawling on my deliberately rusted food can. Anyway, talking about food cans, aren't we taught that they are all tin-plated to prevent rusting? I wonder, does brine corrode away the layer of tin or is it that those food companies find it cheaper to just extract the oxygen food the can? It rusts even without me having to sandpaper it. Oh yea, the topic: ants eat rust? Or do they love concentrated saltwater? Anyway they all just died after attempting to digest that toxic metal oxide. Or maybe they died from an overdose of salt.

Before

After

I don't have the drive to do art, damn. Shall boil some liquid hydrogen oxide (yes, dihydrogen monoxide is not the scientifically used term) to dissolve a packet of brown-white crystals. What I do with that resulting mixture (not actually a solution since solutions should be clear, so is it really 'dissolve'? My Chemistry sucks...) is to add it into a complex vessel which I know contains concentrated hydrochloric acid and other complicated organic compounds which I do not have to know, luckily. Not related, but I remembered, art that is done for competitions or examinations cannot be posted on the internet before submission, and that includes WIPs (works-in-progress). Seems I violated that rule for UOB and promos heheh. Hmm, if that's the case, how come can send 'A' Level coursework for SYF ah? Plus, I see someone called Godwin (http://godwinfj.deviantart.com/) post his WIP photos of his 'A' Level coursework on his blog. We have similarities in our tastes of art, though not many. He got GwH for the previous previous Art SYF, so good... Yea, so that's why I don't dare to post any of my better photos or any of my newer drawings anymore hahaha. Too bad that I'm such a basted, stealing people's photography images and drawing from them as my observational drawings, while I selfishly keep my own photos to myself.

I realised my artistic skills improved significantly! I was keeping my promos drawings, then I compared them with my train wheels drawing and engine room colouring. Quite some difference. Then as I was keeping them in my file, I saw my Sec 4 prelims leftover drawings, which I thought were really good at that time. It's almost like 2 different people's art! Hahaha. =)

Even for my proportions, it's really a huge jump.

Just one year's difference! Copyrighted by me! Slap you if you can't tell the difference. Wait, I can't copyright them actually. Reason? I copied them from Kubo's drawings...

On a side note, though I'll most probably like fail Art for MCTs, it's all for my own good so that I will force myself to work faster. I've also learnt, always listening to what your teacher says may bring more harm than good, and in my case it caused some impactful deceleration. Sure, I'm beginning to think of new ways to make art other than drawing and painting as realistically as I could, but my thought process and way of doing things is now disassembled (if there's such a word), like letting go of a half completed puzzle from a height of 1.94m. Not just nuke the halfway somehow slowly forming carboxylic acid with lithium aluminium hydride, dry ether as solvent at room temperature and getting back lame alcohol, but also losing some portions of it - some pieces of the puzzle bounce away because of something even more complex than glancing collision. [Glancing collision is the collision of 2 bodies in 2-dimension (not in H2 Physics syllabus), and since when you let go of an object from a height, the object will never be practically parallel and there is bound to be some direction other than downwards normal to the ground's plane (unless your fingers or whatever holding the puzzle disappears into vacuum and also that you 'let go' of it in vacuum), one corner of the puzzle will collide inelastically onto the ground and the opposite force it experiences will be normally be enough to break up the weak contact forces between the puzzle pieces, then the pieces act on each other, whether colliding or whatever, resulting in random non-normal-to-ground's-plane collisions which is probably enough to project these pieces at an angle which displaces the pieces over quite a significant distance. Not to forget, the pieces, after projecting from the collisions with the ground and other pieces, would hit the ground a few more times and then causing collisions in 3-dimensions until finally the kinetic energy is all converted to heat and sound energy and perhaps a tiny portion is converted to some other forms of energy that we don't need to know that it does.] So the puzzle pieces may become hidden under cupboards or desks, for chemistry cross referencing wise, perhaps getting non 100% yield of alcohol. That would, when you try to oxidise it back into carboxylic acid, get you a much lower yield compared to the starting. It's so much more refreshing typing about physics than chemistry, haha. I'm probably not totally correct about either of my hypothesis, since that's pure speculation, especially that crap about puzzle falling. Voice from unknown direction: This blog is so totally your evacuation route from work. Stop slacking and get back to work!

I so missed this banner! Ruined by other batches of BB 14th when they attempted to repaint over it as it's 'losing its colours' my foot your heads =( Copyrights go to me and Wei Jian (yes, done by just 2 people!)

I am being random today. Whatever I think of at the moment I'm typing, I type here. That brings me to another topic... Oops, I forgot what I'd wanted to type. Whatever... ... ... ... Ah, I remembered! When one doesn't try something out because he wants to, instead doing it because he has to, and then does not perform reasonably or subjectively well at something, most of the time he loses the motivation to continue trying hard to become better at it. Either it's this case, or the other, also a common one, where one is first motivated to try something out, so even if he's not exceptional for a first-timer, he still continues to put in effort in that area he's working on. Ok, that's really rather random, but well, fun to just type without planning the structure of the entire post.

I left this post unpublished for a few hours already, so by now I already drank coffee and did some reorganising of my art 'materials'. Now I'm more motivated to do art =) Shucks, i forgot all about Physica and Maths tutorial! There's Maths test and Physica mock spa this week too!! Damn, I'm so not going to care. I still have SOVA MCTs this Saturday to worry about... I'm only concerned about my Art, Sova right now. Then, it'll be Chemistry and the 2 spa coming up after MCTs. Ok, fine, PW results too. Hmm, and also regarding the outcome of my fate in choir. More than or equals to 3 pracs a week is so gonna make me bleed to death. If Ms Lau doesn't give me a reply even after MCT week, I'll look for her and ask her about it. Oh yea, this reminds me. I'm doing banner, which means I'm helping them with concert when I won't be going for it... Such a waste, huh. But again, I may not be helping that much too, since my best friend will compromise for me and my other best friend has lots of experience in banner painting, so combined with best friend's past artistic background, it won't be a problem, though I'll still try to help. don't like not doing anything, really. The worst is our RP, where I didn't do any shit... MCT is such a pain.

Haven't seen Alvin for a really long time too. Unlike many other of my friends (maybe acquaintances) where we would be stuck for words after not meeting for a long period of time, I seem to be able to talk more 'freely' to him. That must be the trust and bonds between friends huh? Even on a closer level, silence would not seem awkward at all, like when I walk with Jun Hao sometimes. For Wei Jian, it's rare for silence to creep its way in between us, unless there're other people around whom neither of us are close to.

Random again, I took the career test thingy which they mentioned during that contact time weeks ago, which I originally predicted the outcome to be stupid and inaccurate, since they ask all sorts of stupid questions and you'll drag the scale according to how much you enjoy what they asked and how capable you think you are at doing it. Then my results tell me I'm most suited to be an architect. Whoo... Other options include landscape architect, interior architect, storyboard artist, and many other art related jobs. Though I'd prefer to have a chance at producing concept artworks for large-scale games or movies =) The only option out of the many which lies in the area of concept artist is storyboard artist, sadly, which is right at the bottom of the suggestions. Also took a personality last time. I found it quite true of my personality, so I looked at other personalities' descriptions in doubt. To my surprise hardly half of the next closest description fits me, haha. The psycho-whatever people are so sophisticated... Here is the long description:
Independent Thinkers are analytical and witty persons. They are normally self-confident and do not let themselves get worked up by conflicts and criticism (hmm, I wonder about that). They are very much aware of their own strengths and have no doubts about their abilities. People of this personality type are often very successful in their career (I want to be successful next time too) as they have both competence and purposefulness. Independent Thinkers are excellent strategists; logic, systematics and theoretical considerations are their world. They are eager for knowledge and always endeavour to expand and perfect their knowledge in any area which is interesting for them. Abstract thinking comes naturally to them; scientists and computer specialists are often of this type (I'm neither, I'm a student).
Independent Thinkers are specialists in their area. The development of their ideas and visions is important to them; they love being as flexible as possible and, ideally, of being able to work alone because they often find it a strain having to make their complex trains of thought understandable to other people. Independent Thinkers cannot stand routine. Once they consider an idea to be good it is difficult to make them give it up; they pursue the implementation of that idea obstinately and persistently, also in the face of external opposition (not for me, this part, since I dislike to have to argue).
Independent Thinkers are not the type who easily comes out of his shell. Speaking about their emotional life is also not one of their strong points. Anyway, social relationships are not particularly important to them (how crude, the phrasing); they are happy with just a few, close friends who find it easy to share their intellectual world. They find it difficult to establish new ties.

Ah, I shall get back to exercising my eye focus and right hand.

2009-03-07T20:04:00.007+08:00

DISEASION

I have decided, I shall not rant on my blog anymore! Argh! Can't even remember when or why I became the kind of life-is-unfair-and-the-world-sux person. Yea. I must learn to be more positive. Need some strong oxidising agent (sorry la, my JC Chemistry sucks so I can't use terms like electrophiles or nucleophiles without worrying that I'll embarrass myself, that's why I use simplistic terms like oxidising agent). And I remember Ms Tham saying something along the lines of ''If you did it once, you can do it everytime''. My GP sucked, but I got 35 for an assignment, so unexpected right! I managed to write a straight-to-the-point SOVA essay for a test too, the only problem is too few points cause I can't help but give really long and unnecessary explanations. Like using 2 works of a same artist to state a point, same as just using one. Also, since I did it once in Sec 4, I shall do it again, making sure it's exceeding my current expectations of it, getting a Gold with Honours in next year's SYF Art competition. I shall continue my streak of successes in using whatever time I have to absorb, learn, remember, and apply. Prioritise. Art, SOVA and Chemistry. These push for the need for time more than other things. GP wise, I can only see the possibility of chiong-ing facts after coursework is about over. Pluses for the win! (This applies to you too, you are once that capable, and you can again be as great, that shall be one of our driving motivations! Unless you are saying that those are merely flukes.)

2009-03-05T05:19:00.002+08:00

DESPAIRITY

Really stressed. I'm left with Thursday, Saturday minus the morning, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Six half days and one full day. That, to finish as much crap as possible and to browse through, familiarise myself with the ~5cm thick SOVA notes. After SOVA exam ends, there's Saturday afternoon, Sunday, Monday and partial Tuesday to try and fill up 4 prepboards. After Tuesday, there's 5 days for my other subjects. Impossible that I can do well for Art and Chemistry it seems. I don't have the motivation to work. That is happening for about a month already. Now I'm thinking of how to produce quantity, stuffs requiring no colouring and painting. Damn this sucks. Yesterday I was unhappy for the entire 2nd half of the day. Can't explain why, strangely. The play during mass civics was rather funny, but I find it really hard to laugh. I'm aware of this since most of the time people are laughing I was wondering why I'm not. I'm so sighing every moment. Now the issue isn't time, it's much more of whatevers that are hindering my work efficiency. I still have no problem with other work, just Art. Everytime I did Maths and Physics I can really do the questions real fast. It's almost relaxing, writing that is. It just feels like I'm no longer living this part of my life with a purpose. No more ''I'm gonna do my best for Art and score well for my 'A's'' within me. I gave up giving my all. I'm now seriously longing for MCTs to be over. Yea, give up for MCTs, and wishfully hope that April and May will actually become better, even though there's SYF and Ms Lau's not giving me a reply regarding concert. I have a bad feeling I may end up going for concert. Anyway, yea, gave up on my MCTs, effectively I failed myself. Maybe I won't do THAT bad for it, but I'm hoping that my scores will be low enough to let me drop to 4th or lower in class. That isn't really hard to achieve. Now my class contains a few hardcore muggers from 06, and those from 07 are working hard too. That will send them, my teachers and whoever else a straight message across: don't stereotype me. That may also give me another reason to not go for concert if lets say I still don't get a definite answer. Hah, I'm so childish, trying to be rebellious. My heart aches now. Typing all that crap about giving up makes me sad probably. Sorry to my teachers, whoever else, and myself. Sorry to my parents for always making you worry. They wished for me to not work so hard for my academics you see. ''A-Levels mei2 you3 kao3 A bu2 yao4 jin3, zui4 zhong4 yao4 shi4 ni3 de4 jian4 kang1'' was what my mum said to me. My dad is currently trying to force me to sleep at consistent timings. Sorry brother, I know you too are stressed and all, but I haven't been able to help you... Is it normal to be so selfish? I feel I totally neglected my social relationships. Such unworthy sacrifices. For what? All just for A-Levels? Theoretically correct I guess.

2009-02-23T01:47:00.004+08:00

CRITICAL POINT

This feeling is great. My vision is extremely sharp right now. Not just my vision, it's almost like I have ultrasenses. Each second seems to pass slower as well, though because of that my actions seemed slower (e.g. typing, turning my head etc). Yea, it's so weird, it's as though I took some drugs. Well, what I had as a hypothesis since last year was tested out. Sleeping after drinking coffee makes you extremely awake and saturated in focus and concentration. Plus, you don't get the 'fake awake' feeling you normally get from caffeine. The drawback, not confirmed yet, will see how it affects me today. Perhaps I'll feel the opposite when caffeine effects wear off: extremely tired and unable to focus. If not, this is a WOW discovery so far. I drank coffee at 0002, tried sleeping, fell asleep after at least 21 min, woke up at 0121, meaning I slept less than an hour. I am awed. Bad point is that it has a high chance of failing. See, it's not easy to sleep after drinking coffee.

2009-02-15T13:17:00.008+08:00

MODEROBLACILCYC

Was browsing through my old photos, and it really shocked me, that my face changed so much...

2004

2005

2007

2008

2009

Lolz. I should really go change my specs.

2009-02-03T18:09:00.003+08:00

SUCKS TO BE ME

Last Friday, at 6am before leaving my house, I thought about the year ahead, and pondered about why I don't get the urge to commit suicide or to cry. And then I thought, it may be possible to force tears out. And I succeeded. Just concentrating on speculating what's to happen for February is enough... I am stressed. In a bad way. I'm so stressed that I don't care and don't know how to deal with those problems that caused all the stress. I'm stressed to the point that I never realised I'm that stressed and that I'd thought I can't feel the stress, that I needed stress to remove those hazards in my life. I'm stressed so much so that the time spent on the bus, while walking, and in school seem otherworldly, so stress-free and carefree. I'm stressed, so I'm not really thinking hard on what to type here. The hardest thing about social relations is to understand. Maybe not such a strong word. To sympathise. People can say all they like, what 'I understand' then followed by sentences filled with contradictions. Don't encourage me to persevere or to find ways to reduce what I'm experiencing. I don't speak for no reason before thinking. I don't say that I want to quit out of the blue. My predictions about myself are not unsupported, and they are usually accurate. People who think that not speaking out means that one is not thinking critically, one word: RUBBISH. I seriously want to quit. Quit being responsible over all my responsibilities. Quit being the top-scorer in class. Quit JC education. Quit being indecisive. Quit being so quiet. I already have terrible time management and work efficiency. Now I have one less problem. I don't have time managing problems anymore. There's no such thing as time for me to manage. I stopped planning what to do with the time I have. One simple reason: it never worked. I need time. If you say I have 1k hours worth of work to complete and I do have more than that, I'd really ask you to go eat shit and die without a burial place. Yea, I'm sure there's some other way. I did what I could. I sacrificed so much sleep. I messed up my sleeping times. That, if you do not understand why, is because it's better to work on stuffs like Art the moment I wake up, i.e. my start of the day, than to try doing it after I'm deadbeat from school and my damn responsibilities. I constantly inject caffeine into my body: average of 2 cups every 24 hours (you see, I can't really use the term 'day'), one when I woke up from my short sleep, another right before leaving my house. If I were to reduce it to one cup instead, see me die of dozing off in school. Like, have you ever experienced such extreme tiredness that you fall asleep standing up while holding scores and singing? Well, you probably haven't. Unless it was something like immediately after a 40 km expedition on foot or a week's long orientation craziness. The feeling you get, is hard to describe. Sometimes it's just your legs giving way all of a sudden, as though the floor you are standing on just vanished. And you definitely will awake from that shock. Sometimes you will fall in front or backward, and you will feel what is free fall like, and the same thing happens. Even during the December holidays, my average length of sleep is below 4 hours. Last Friday, my body gave in to the sleep debt. I sleep for over 10 hours. On Saturday, I couldn't concentrate at all, and I sleep twice in the day, total of around 7 hours. Then at night, I tried to stay awake, but caffeine failed me. I sleep for another 7 hours or so. On Sunday night / Monday before daybreak, I sleep through it whole, in I think 3 chunks. On Monday night, I slept for 3 hours, before waking up and falling asleep on the table for another hour. Then, I couldn't take it and sleep till 4.30 am. Ever experienced falling asleep with your neck twisted on the table without your own conscious acknowledgement? Ever fell asleep while sitting on the toilet bowl and finding your legs totally numb and painful when you awoke? Ever so tired that you can miss your house bus stop 2 times due to dozing off on the bus and later walk home from where you were as you were afraid that you may miss it again? If you did, hi-five man, I'm not alone. Oh yea, another one. Ever fell asleep while eating and then wake up from the sound that the spoon held in your hand made when it hits the bowl / plate? I really want, no, I NEED more time. In nicer words, choir is only twice a week, and each time only at the most, 4 hours. Not true. It just takes away the rest of the day I have left on Mondays and Fridays. In nice words, choir will be twice a week. Not all the time, when SYF and concert draws closer, no doubt 3 times a week will be quite a good deal already. See, they even planned practises during the March holidays when we should prepare for the March Common Tests. Not to mention, my SOVA exam is on the first day of the March holidays, and there's choir the night before. How nice. NYAA, in nicer words, just the RP left. For me, I still have every report left to start and complete, as well as my 15 hours of sickening library duty. Art, how hard can it be huh? Don't start judging just because you think you understand. Here are my own estimates from experience. I have 8 A2 sized boards to complete before June. So it clashes with SYF, concert, completing of NYAA, the most important parts of the 'A' Level syllabus etc. If I were to only place 10 drawings / paintings / some art exploration on each board, that would make 80 arts to complete. If the planning and thinking were to take an average of 10 hours per board, that's already 80 pure work hours. Ideally, for perfection, perhaps each art takes an average of 15 hours, and ... ... that would be 1280 hours in total, including planning. I have slightly less than 4 months. Maybe I don't be too calculative days wise, so it's around 120 days? Look, isn't that unrealistic? More than 10 hours out of 24 hours a day. Absurd. Impossible. Taking a normal school week schedule, I have Monday 0000 - 0600 and 2100 - 0000, so it's 9 hours, wow... Tuesday 0000 - 0600 and 1800 - 0000, so 12 hours. Wednesday 13 hours, Thursday 15 hours, Friday 9 hours, Saturday and Sunday bound to go out for some responsibility thing averaging once every week, so maybe 40 hours from the weekend. Is it 98 hours? That's not so impossible afterall huh. Yea right, sleep? Maybe 3h a day? Now with an ideal 3h sleep duration every 24 hours, I have almost 12 hours a day. Not bad right? If I don't have other stuffs known as compulsory homework, unplanned events and compulsory responsibilities that is. With those comes more stress, less motivation to work and lower efficiency. By then it's probably barely 3 to 4 real hours per day. What makes it such a sad case is that we are alone. Even we as Art students have different responsibilties and spend different amounts of time on our work. For me, it's probably just a horrendous mismatch of expectations and ability. I really envy everybody around me. Of course by doing so I'm judging without understanding what difficulties they may have, but how far off can it get if: they come in with their tutorials all done, already start complaining about studying for MCT, have enough time to play games (I'm assuming that based on those heated discussions between hardcore gamers), can afford enough time to be on OGL, be in Mazarin, taking up H3s and appearing to be coping extremely well with life, saying he's self-learning piano now, saying they are bored (that's ... ..., I hate to hear these sort of things), saying they are doing tutorials that are far ahead of the class's pace because they have nothing to do at home. I guess people meant it as a joke when they always say ''Jasper confirm complete le la'', but I think that most of them won't believe that I am caring less about my studies than them. When I said I hardly have the time to study, they will think it's constant hardwork. Haha, if that were true, I wouldn't have to keep refering, even for simple easy-to-remember formulas, while doing my homework as I should remember my concepts if it were consistent work. I wouldn't have had to mug through the night before the exams. I wouldn't have scored that low for SOVA exams. Well, since mugging is useless for SOVA. It is the type of real test for your consistency in studies. The worst thing to come out from other people is: I should have taken Art la. If you want to say that, disappear from my sight, even if you're joking, because you are too insensitive to people around you and is too shallow in understanding situations. I always reply with a ''You try take la, see what will happen''. Ironically, this is no where better: Luckily I never take Art ah. Self-explanatory. Now nothing has been solved. I am stuck in choir for the sake of my own misery, I can't get out of NYAA for obvious reasons, I have to face Art which is duh, and I will fall behind in my academics eventually. I really think this is it. Too much weight has been piled on my shoulders. I may not die as in contract some mental illness or some physical illness or commit suicide, but no, I am not so strong as to continue supporting these weights. Honestly, I feel that there's no one and nowhere to turn to, other than expressing my thoughts and feelings in this void space to who knows who. My advice to anyone who bothers to listen: Lead a simple life. Choosing to suffer is stupid. Never overestmate yourself.

2009-01-17T22:15:00.002+08:00

PERIPHERAL FUTURE

2009 has officially started. I ended not sleeping at all the night before the day 1 of year 2. I should have slept. Nothing was handed in until Friday, seriously. I got my semi-idea for coursework, at least.

It is a bad start for this year. Felt horrible when I talked with Mr Heng on Tuesday. You're right, Jun Hao, silence at such times can be deafening. Him telling me that he thinks I can do this do that, is partially just casual joking. To push me, for rather giving me expectations to meet and stress will be the rest of it. Yet I, who normally produces more than others, even when deadlines and what was expected weren't met, failed to produce anything this time round, when I had more than two months of holidays and the fact that this is no more fooling around: it's 'A' Levels coursework.

I can already envision the days to come to be of sleepless nights, not being able to do my tutorials in time, lagging behind in learning and revision, struggling to fill up my boards, packed with choir practices and so on. This is not the same as what most people face. This is tangibly something you know will happen and will not change when you do your best, at the expense of straining the body and mind. So how do I change it? I can, by not doing my best. This would lead to still, the same problems, BUT, much worse in the extent and impact. What can I say, I chose these paths afterall. Maybe I should really have gone to a Polytechnic instead. Now that I think about it, going to a Junior College just because I am uncertain of my future (sadly I still am) is rather dumb.

It's really difficult to pen down my thoughts and feelings. Ranting is never efficient in that aspect for me. It's hard to describe the occasional inability to suppress some bad thoughts and feelings; as well as that sadness of the state I am in right now and will be in for the next eight months. Maybe I should switch PDP or something. At this rate, my name may appear in the newspapers... No, I will not commit suicide, I hate life as it is right now to the core's core atom's nucleus' centre. It's just that I feel I may die of overworking or something. It has happened before right?

Maybe I should stop the unhappy expression of feelings and thinkings. Hey, I am currently thinking, about how 'thinking' can mean something different from 'thought'. Look here: it's just a thought, nothing more. Or: it's my thinking, and it's still ongoing. Nevermind, I don't think anyone would actually really get what I am thinking about this.

I took pictures of metallic things today, which included: food can without its label, motorcycle parts, pipes and pipes, an old bicycle, car wheels, car lights, underneath the car, within the rubbish chute (no, I didn't let my hand or camera go inside), door handle, a lock like thing, an on-top-of-the-door metal thing, and the metal parts of the lift. The hardest to get are photographs of those mechanisms under a car. Had to make sure no one is around before quicking bending down to get a few shots where the views totally depends on your luck. Furthermore, the flash made the pictures ugly, with large areas of white all around.

I am thinking of trying a 24-hour continuous shooting of the view outside of my windows. Probably reducing the pixels and quality would allow 720 photos at 2-minute intervals to be taken, haha. There's a risk, though, that the clouds will not be nice tomorrow... Not that I have solved the problem of making the camera stay as it is outside of the window...

That's all for now.

2009-01-09T19:25:00.003+08:00

DEAD END ONWARD

Time never waits. It delivers all equally to the same end. I missed the time, and hence I face a dead end.

There's not much time left, but I'm still here, to relieve some burden, virtually, but sadly, not really.

Strange, my heart aches when I feel stressed, or is it that this is sadness and not due to stress? Perhaps I feel sad for myself that I am always capable of achieving yet I never was.

At the beginning, I thought that 10 weeks is very long. I was mistaken. By the time I returned from the choir trip, 5.5 weeks had gone. I became oblivious to time's existence. Now it's around 60 hours till school starts. I fell so far that I'm going to skip the Maths AJC Promos paper and Chemistry. For Art, I can really say I haven't started on the real deal at all. I truly fear what would become of me for the first few days of year 2. Year 2 will be hell for me, with SYF, concert, exams, NYAA, Art and catching up on my studies which I neglected since July. I feel lucky that I'm not too ambitious. If I am, imagine maybe taking up 2 extra subjects and a 6-months project... Somehow it seems that holidays are always the worst times for me... Now I can't even spend more time with my friends.

When you pull a string too tight, it may just break into 2 smaller pieces. After pulling that tight for a long time and letting go, it will probably lose its original form and strength.

It's agonising to no longer be able to like the things you liked. Or rather, that something you liked turned into something you wish to avoid.

I want to break off the clock's hands, pull off the brush from the paintbrushes, break my pens, break my calculator, keep slamming the door until something happens, crush my glass bottles, and smack this laptop with my scissors so hard that I can see the internal components. I won't, though. Oh yea, perhaps I can combust my boots too.

I want to be alone. I have been thinking of going to some place by myself to do my work peacefully on days that I end school before 4pm. I'll need to find somewhere not too far, is always empty of souls, has a place to do work. I work best alone. I could only truly work efficiently when there's no one around me. I don't finish my homework fast when doing it with friends, I don't do art well in the Art Room, I could do 2 Maths assignments in less than 2 days while I'm alone, actually I can be faster, just that there's always someone else awake at home from late afternoon till around 1am. I feel weird on the bus and in the MRT. What a sucker I am, haha.

Even if I stay to my schedule now, I'll still be left with Chemistry, Maths AJC paper, Maths E-learning, library duty and report writing. Not to forget, I'll probably need to draw a lot a lot more, perhaps 2 images and 4 sketches a day? This path is definitely going to be stained with unpleasant memories. If so, just don't turn back and keep walking. That way, what you see will always a clean path.

Do you think dreams tell you something about the future? In my most recent dream that I can recall, I was sitting right here in front of my desk, and buildings just collapsed towards me, like a slow tsunami. So close that I feel I could touch the nearest building. Then I took photographs of the scene, followed by leaving the room with my wallet, handphone, and some NYAA things: notes, thumbdrive...

Friday. By tomorrow afternoon I'll know for sure whether or not I meet the 'dead end'.

2008-12-31T01:49:00.001+08:00

SILENT PRECIPICE

2008-12-19T04:15:00.041+08:00

NIGHTMARE PARADISE

Holidays are supposed to be enjoyable, relaxing. Hence the title 'Nightmare Paradise'.

The below paragraph of text is not meant for reading. Even I won't be able to understand that without slowly figuring the words out.

U el myliyri zny um timbihedica ornebba epyod nulmicw.

U gryz zned'm zhyrk, pid ry leddih neht u dhuit, u mducc seh'd snerki.

U el tumkomdit pa lamicw. Znihi zem la mirmi yw ohkirsa ert iwwusuirsa ur tyurk zyhg u yrsi net?

U tyr'd utci. U tyr'd kid dnurkm tyri iudnih. Duli vomd miilm dy mcub ezea whyl la khemb, vomb cugi mert.

I am terribly sick of homework, spending so much on my art essay and yet I still can't figure out how to put the pieces together. I haven't been able to meet my own deadlines either. I feel disappointed. Disappointed in disappointing Mr. Heng. Disappointed in my deteriorated self. Disappointed in how I still can't be decisive in my coursework. Death becomes a lot more painful when you find out when you will die and how you will die. Not to mention the four other subjects. I remembered how I felt that I don't feel the stress and panic that's supposed to come. Well, at least it was like that for the whole of this year except for two instances, one: right before the JCT, two: a few days before Promos artwork submission. If only there's some kind of drug that when consumed, allows me to get that kind of feeling, hah. Or maybe some power which allows me to recall and experience those feelings. It isn't a nice feeling, but I'd rather that than what's happening to my screwed self.

So now it'll be something related to art again huh. Yea, my selfish and arrogant thoughts. I was analysing what's different between myself of the present and of the past. What exactly created this immensely horrifying hesitation in making a choice of what to do for my art. I came up with a few explanations. Firstly, I saw all those outstanding 'A' Levels coursework, from SYF, TJC seniors and other JCs. The me of the past had seen so little compared to now. At Secondary level, the best I'd seen were AHS seniors' works, the works in the Art textbook and some competition winners' works. Now it's stepping out of the well. What I thought was good is not acceptable now. Deviantart has so many awesome artists as well. It made my drawings, colourings and paintings look like nothing in comparison. I am now perfectly perfectionist in this area. This work, my 'A' Levels coursework, will probably be the last coursework of such kind that I'll be doing. No more other chance. It will be a good gauge of where I stand as well, not only whether I get A or not but possibly the SYF too, if it is applicable to enter. Another reason will be regret. I don't want to end up doing this with regret. No, not like the two major works this year. I haven't pinpointed on the exact theme and meaning of my work either. Actually I did write down what it will be about, but that is so vague it's hard to continue. Another thing I still need to consider will be whether to do mainly mechanical or mainly organic. The latter had been what I'm doing from 'O' Levels paper 2 until now, frequently monster and dark themed. Choosing to do the mechanical path will be somewhat more special, and my prepwork will probably be more outstanding, but I'm pretty sure I can't paint machines that well. 'Damaged' may be more than excellent enough for 'O' Levels, but the standard of those mechas can't survive my expectations...

Damaged, acrylic, by http://nevaehell.deviantart.com/gallery/
.

Seven things, ordered beginning with the most important, that I really need to improve on are: Layout, colour sense, sense of space, atmosphere, realism, details, impact on first impression. This is going to be one looooonnnggg feature of artworks...

Layout is obviously important. All good pieces of art, be it abstract, figurative, sculpture, installation or even artworks created with ready-mades will naturally have good layouts.

http://tksn.web.infoseek.co.jp/

Archailles, by http://www.hydropix.com/Gallery/index.php?cat=5

The Islander, by http://kire1987.deviantart.com/gallery/

Cubus, by ???

Colour sense is something I feel is extremely difficult to achieve. What I mean is painting the work such that it will not look strange. An artist can be very good in layout and everything, but his artwork will look bad if the colour sense isn't there. Pardon me if I'm using the term 'colour sense' wrongly. Don't know how to describe that.

Divine Retribution, oil, by http://nevaehell.deviantart.com/gallery/

http://masatoyoshimura.com/gallery.html

Tower of Babel, by http://www.hydropix.com/Gallery/index.php?cat=5

Loss of Speech Stage, by http://ryohei-hase.deviantart.com/gallery/

Prometheus, by http://gunnerromantic.deviantart.com/gallery/

Era Silver, by http://kire1987.deviantart.com/gallery/

Mossmurkel, by http://yonaz.deviantart.com/gallery/

http://masatoyoshimura.com/gallery.html

Sense of space is particularly important in landscape art. Again, the impact it has on the overall artwork is not to be overlooked.

http://tksn.web.infoseek.co.jp/

http://masatoyoshimura.com/gallery.html

http://www.hydropix.com/Gallery/index.php?cat=5

Dawn on the Ancient Hall, by http://raphael-lacoste.deviantart.com/gallery/

The Cell, by http://rudolfherczog.deviantart.com/gallery/

Atmosphere is hard to explain...

Dead Knight, by ---

Malik Shah's Sanctuary, by http://raphael-lacoste.deviantart.com/gallery/

Beacon, by http://shutupandwhisper.deviantart.com/gallery/

Chronoscape: Highway to Hell, by http://alexiuss.com/gallery/

Ice Storm, by http://radojavor.deviantart.com/gallery/

Nuclear Plant, by http://raphael-lacoste.deviantart.com/gallery/

Realism has got nothing to explain about. I just want to be able to paint and draw like that.

Deja Vu, acrylic, by http://hyper-tom.deviantart.com/gallery/

White Tiger 2, oil, by http://raipun.deviantart.com/gallery/

http://nimra.deviantart.com/gallery/

Another Source, acrylic, by http://hyper-tom.deviantart.com/gallery/

Carboprot, acrylic, by http://hyper-tom.deviantart.com/gallery/

Details? What can I improve on that? I can do details well, but I can't do them for my creations. For example my mechas from 'Damaged', and 'Diavolcan'.

Diavolcan, colour pencils, by http://nevaehell.deviantart.com/gallery/

Iguanodon, pen, by http://nevaehell.deviantart.com/gallery/

http://tksn.web.infoseek.co.jp/

First impression is placed last, since it almost always naturally comes with the above six.

The end.

2008-11-23T10:01:00.009+08:00

DIMINISHING POINT

I finally got myself a 6 x 11 inches Intuos 3 Wacom tablet! The working surface alone is already longer than my laptop screen, and yet it said 'A5'... Maybe I should have bought the smaller one. It cost me $569... Ouch...

The only thing I did with the tablet so far, is to create my Fish and Pi signatures.

That one below is my experiment with a mouse a few days before I got my tablet.

A letter came yesterday night... ******* Merit Bursary. I was speechless. It's not at all funny when you are expecting to get $500 and then you get nothing, absolutely NOTHING! The Merit Bursary for top 25% is $300 for JC students, provided the family income is below $4000 a month. The ******* Scholarship for top 5% is $500 for JC students 2 years ago, where family income is not taken into account. Damn the ******** ** *********!! My cousin got it in JC1 2 years ago, but yesterday when I checked the *** website, JCs don't have ******* Scholarship, only ******* Merit Bursary. Is this stupid or what? And there's no way I'm not eligible for it, if I round down the total number of students to the nearest hundred, I'm still in the top 5%, even the next best 5% has the thing, just less money.

Then my mum kept nagging about it once she realised what's going on. Nevermind, forget about the ******* thing. I am really lucky that the letter came so late. If not there's no way I would be able to buy the tablet. What annoyed me most was how it is always money and money. Firstly, the choir trip. Argument came to a close when it was finally decided that my sister would sponsor me for the trip cost since it's already so subsidised beforehand. The winter wear, luggage, and jeans bought for the trip cost a total of $380. I'm made to pay for it. Then last time when I mentioned the $250 Malaysia camp that may be used for NYAA, the conversation ended soon after I said I can pay for it using my savings. As for the tablet, it should originally cost me only $69, but now it's another $500 more. I already had enough savings to pay for it a year ago, when I came to know more about digital art and tablets, but of course my parents don't allow me to get one. Now despite the good chance that allowed me to get it, I still have to pay for the full cost. Not to mention my bank account is missing a few hundred dollars due to some reason. I'm changing my phone soon, and that will cost money too. So I spent $949. That's like spending more than all I spent on Yugioh cards last time. I can just consider paying so much for my tablet, since that's the only thing I'm truly willing to pay for, out of those mentioned. And I thought I could almost save up enough for a laptop, provided my parents see for themselves how hopeless the laptop and the desktop are. Then what's the point of saving my money?

Damn it all. I still have everything left to do. Art coursework, SOVA essay, Maths, Physics, GP, Chemistry, choir, library duty, camp, Skills report, CIP report, planning the trails.

The following week will be so tight, that I doubt I can finish my essay. I'm worried about my coursework too.

Here are the NYJC pieces I mentioned last time:

2008-11-13T19:28:00.002+08:00

MONOCHROMATIC SYMPHONY

What's that? Hmm... That must be the theme song for this November! So dull and discouraging. 26/30 days where I have to go out.

1 Nov - Oral Presentation rehearsal
2 Nov - Oral Presentation rehearsal
3 Nov - Oral Presentation
4 Nov - Class chalet
5 Nov - Class chalet
6 Nov - Art makeup lesson
7 Nov - Choir practice
9 Nov - 4L class outing; Library duty at Esplanade
10 Nov - Choir practice
11 Nov - Choir practice
12 Nov - Recee MacRitchie Nature Trail
14 Nov - Choir practice
15 Nov - Library duty at National Library, NYAA meeting
16 Nov - Library duty at National Library
17 Nov - Choir practice; Buy winter clothing
18 Nov - Art consultation
20 Nov - Choir practice
21 Nov - Buy and prepare trip stuff
22 Nov - Library duty at Peacehaven's Home
23 Nov - Library duty / Anime something
24 Nov - Choir practice
26 Nov - Choir practice
27 Nov - Choir practice
28 Nov - Choir concert
29 Nov - Prepare for trip
30 Nov - Choir trip

Not included are: SOVA 100 marks essay which requires multiple drafting; Art 'A' Levels coursework ideas, experimentation, starting of preparatory boards; Planning for the recee; Residential Project proposal drafting; Skills report drafting; Possibly recreation and re-receeing(s).

Not expected to do in November: Collate skills report; Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, General Paper homework; Mathematics E-learning; Camp; 2 completely filled A2 sized preparatory boards.

I shall not talk about the recee yesterday, since I don't want to repeat what Jun Hao posted. It's so downward concaving that Wei Jian's 'O' Levels are finally over yet we probably can't meet for more than 2 times before the plane takes off. What made it worse is that I can't seem to work. There're so many things I have to do, and after taking so long, I still have that many things to do. Ideally, I wish to finish the first draft of my SOVA essay, revise scores and deeply evaluate about the path to take for Art coursework, all by tomorrow morning. After choir practice, I would start planning about the Nature Trail proposal and do some possible developments for Art coursework. After library duty on Sunday, I would do second draft of my SOVA essay, given that I received a reply. After Monday's choir practice and buying the clothes, I would probably do a few light pencil drawings, where I can decide what medium to use for these drawings later. Then I would like to finish the Nature Trail proposal and my essay by the end of next week. It isn't much that I wish to complete, just the Residential Project planning, SOVA essay and a stable foundation for Art coursework. If time allows it, I'll try to start and finish at least 40 questions of my Mathematics homework before the trip as well. It's just me, to drag things, waste time, and to be inefficient. I'm pretty sure I made the right choice of not taking up anymore interference.

This post is too boring... Do you know what are ambigrams? I want to make one out of 'Nevaehell'! I want to create a symbolic thing too, which I would call the 'Mark of Sin'.

Looking forward to a fruitful road ahead.